AnudderCast

Movin' On Up!

2011-07-10T14:41:00.000-04:00

This blog will not be updated anymore, because I have moved on to bigger and better things!
Ok, not really....I just moved to our official site now.

Join us at Anuddercast.com for all updated blog posts, and for podcast episodes.
Click the "Listen" tab over there for podcasts, and the "Read" tab for the blog.
Pretty self explanatory, no?

Thoughts On Harold Camping And The Rapture Bunch From An Athiest

2011-05-21T19:01:00.001-04:00

Yeah, yeah....The Rapture didn't happen, and we're all having a laugh.
BUT, there's something more interesting about all this to me...you know, the athiest.

I have watched people who are self proclaimed Christians laughing about Harold Camping's claims for quite some time now....laughing about his "predictions".
What strikes me odd about this, and the first thing that pops into my mind is that the same people who are snickering about him and his people, are then turning around and telling me that they BELIEVE stories of a man and an ark...a man walking on water...plagues as punishment...talking bushes...parting seas...resurrections...etc.

To me, this is the same as a Lady Gaga fan laughing at a Madonna fan.
The only difference is that one of them is offering more up to date bullshit.

From an athiest's point of view, you all sound as crazy as Harold Camping to me every time I hear you talk about Noah, Job, Abraham, or Moses.
You're laughing at HIM for thinking that what you ALL believe is eventually GOING to happen, was going to happen on May 21st!
He just dared to put a date on it, and HE'S an asshole?
Am I the only one who finds this the goof of all time?

This post was brought to you by Jack Daniels, and the memory of Randy Savage.

Movie Review: Thor

2011-05-08T00:26:00.004-04:00

This Summer, we kick off our movie season with the big screen adaptation of Marvel Comics' "Thor" starring Chris Hemsworth, Anthony Hopkins, and Natalie Portman.

That seems like a decent way to begin, right?

And it was.
A decent way to start.

By now, you more or less know who Thor is, but if you don't, here's the short version....he's the god of thunder and he wields a hammer that can do some serious damage. Earthquake level damage, not like the kind that just has you needing to call a drywall contractor.

In the film, Thor's daddy casts him out of the Kingdom of Asgard because he's too high strung, and causes way too much trouble for the people of Asgard. SO, naturally he sends him to the shit hole that is Earth.

We are then treated to the usual "fish out of water" material that this type of storyline dictates...not understanding that he can't act the way he does in his world, not understanding why we act the way we do in ours, etc. etc.

I was never a big fan of Thor as a superhero, for some reason, he just never appealed to me. So, naturally when I heard they were making a big screen version, I wasn't exactly thrilled.

That said, I walked away completely satisfied with the way Kenneth Branagh translated the character to our world. A character that seemed to me unworkable in a real world environment, worked perfectly well, and more importantly, this Marvel world that is being built for us leading up to "The Avengers" film has maintained it's integrity.

My one gripe with Thor is that I felt it spent too much time on the love story between Hemsworth and Portman, and didn't give us as much action as I would have wanted. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't lopsided....in fact it was probably perfectly balanced for the men who want to see a hammer smashing the shit out of things, AND their dates who want to see Thor being gentle with the woman he has his eye on.

I always have a problem with the superhero/mortal love stories, by the way. I know it sounds cliche' at this point, but wouldn't these guys kill the woman during sex?

Seriously?

Thor as a whole, works well overall. I wasn't blown away by it, but I wasn't unhappy with it either.

You KNOW you're going to see it anyway, so really none of this matters...it's the Summer F'N Movie Season, after all...why would you not?

Oh, and before I leave, let me give you this one piece of advice...DON'T pay extra for the 3D version...there was really no benefit that I could see to warrant the extra cash.

By the way, while I was writing this, I had "Hot Dog: The Movie" playing in the background.
Why do I do that shit to myself?

Gays, And Atheists, And Sky Monsters....OH MY!

2011-04-04T17:42:00.002-04:00

"But...How Can You Be An Atheist, Joe?"

That's the question that people ask me with great regularity.

How can I NOT believe in The Bible?

I want you to watch two videos. One is of a young man who was raised by two lesbian mothers, and the other is of a young man of solid Christian faith. Both are speaking at the same public forum in Iowa, regarding civil unions between same sex partners, this past January.

In my opinion, one sounds like a very articulate, well thought out man, giving you anecdotal bits of information about his life experiences, and where they have led him all while being raised by a gay couple.

The other, while equally articulate with his words, but not the others equal as an orator, sounds like he is warning of the wrath of a dark magician's sorcery in a remake of "Excalibur".

Let's watch, and then come back to this....

First Zack Wahls, whose parents are lesbians.....

And now, Ezekiel The Messenger Of God's Wrath...

Now, here's where I explain my thought process.

One of these young men, speaks to us from the point of view of human experience in hopes of advancing our race so that we can focus on more important things. He talks to us on a human level. He speaks to us about his family working together after one of his mothers developed Multiple Sclerosis, a disease that the other young man would no doubt tell us was brought upon herself as wrath from the Sky Monster for her being gay.

The first young man, I can relate to, on a human level. He seems to process information like I do. He seems rational and logical....I "get" him.

The other young man speaks to us as if our time for sacrificing a virgin to Kong "King Of The Apes" is short, if we hope to avoid the sky raining fire and blood. His mindset is from The Bronze Age, and he sounds...for all intents and purposes....insane to me. He pleads with other humans to prohibit certain people from enjoying a simple quality of life that others have, based on a book filled with countless inaccuracies.
Inaccuracies that have been proven through scientific fact. Scientific fact that the second young man would no doubt tell you are the Devil's trickery.

One of the thought processes here have brought us to where we are technologically, medically, and most importantly, in the way we as a people treat each other.

The other would have us still riding horseback, "praying" for God to intervene when a family member gets a disease, and actually killing people for loving someone of the same sex.

I just can't buy into that way of thinking, and when I hear someone speak like that in 2011, it actually sounds laughable to me. I respect his right to believe it, but I will never accept it for me.

Simply put, I don't think we are as important as the religious would have you believe. I don't think there's a Sky Monster keeping tabs on us, because quite frankly, I think we're not where we need to be in a pecking order of Universal importance.

I would NEVER pay attention to us, if I was the almighty creator of everything.

Do you realize that as you're reading this, there's a guy out there having sex with a cantaloupe?

Seriously.

That's how un-evolved we are. A man...very overweight and socially awkward, just warmed up a cantaloupe in his microwave, cut out a hole, and is pounding away on it as he watches Pornhub.com. He's done it so many times, that he knows exactly how long to put it in the microwave for, so it doesn't get too hot.

Why is he doing this?

Is it because The Devil tricked him into having sex with the cantaloupe?

No.

It's because he doesn't know how to talk to women, and he's a genetic train wreck. His excessive over eating and social ineptitude is a result of when he was an alter boy and one of the Sky Monster's Official Representatives used this gentleman as his OWN cantaloupe....no microwave required.

This left his views of sexuality and his trust in other people highly distorted....this was HIS human experience.

The Sky Monster was apparently busy worrying about who found their way into an adult, loving, consensual relationship on those days, and didn't bring his wrath down on his employee for these infractions, though.

OR, maybe it was Good Friday, and someone was having a Roast Beef sandwich, and he needed to smite them! (Inside Joke)

Both the young man with the lesbian mothers, and the gentleman with the cantaloupe had human experiences that forged who they are today. The Sky Monster didn't play a role in either scenario, except for the fact that he and his organization condemn one of the circumstances, and most likely facilitated a situation in which the other could continuing occurring.

Now, what would be more important to focus our time and energy on....making sure every person out there has a chance to have positive human experiences, or focusing on a supposed punishment from a supposed creator, based on the words of a proven flawed text, the has been responsible for some of the greatest atrocities in the human race?

One left a young man with a positive and successful outlook on life.

The other destroyed a man's life entirely.

My point is, if your Sky Monster isn't going to intervene when an atrocity like child rape is occurring.....I can't take the warnings of his wrath seriously, when two grown people of the same sex, who love each other want to join in some sort of a commitment ritual.

But I guess most importantly, I can't take seriously the words of a book which at it's foundation of doctrine, would stop us from advancing to a higher level as a people.

Bronze Age Hocus Pocus.

I've never seen a bird soar to great heights while it was tied to a rock.

AnudderCast - Episode 4T: "God Hates AnudderCast?"

2011-01-29T10:31:00.005-05:00

Shirley Phelps Roper is one of the most controversial figures in America today.

As one of the prominent members of The Westboro Baptist Church, the daughter of Pastor Fred Phelps has enraged Americans across this Country with protests at the funerals of fallen military heroes, celebrities, and anyone else that is deemed immoral by Westboro Baptist's strict adherence to Biblical scripture.

In almost every interview that she has done, hostilities eventually rise to the surface and things deteriorate rapidly.

One of the things I have found interesting over the last couple decades since "Political Correctness" began it's stranglehold on America, is how those who abhor the intolerant, MEET THEM with intolerance.

To me, that's like trying to extinguish a fire with a flame thrower.

So our approach was a little different, and I think a lot more of the American ideal of yesteryear.

We wanted to give the history of Westboro Baptist, shed some light on where the family really comes from, and discuss the catalyst to the entire "God Hates Fags" agenda.

In the end, we didn't change Shirley's mind about anything, and I know we won't change America's, nor should we.

But we did achieve what we set out to do.

We had a civil discussion with someone who has extremely different life views than ours, we got a little bit better of an understanding of where Shirley comes from, and most importantly, we maintained civility while still making our positions clear.

Something I think a few other real journalists should think about.

If I want to see screaming matches....I'll watch Jerry Springer.

So check out the episode....

AnudderCast Episode 4T: "God Hates AnudderCast"

Sarah Manson Orders Hits!

2011-01-12T17:09:00.011-05:00

Well, not really.....but she is an incredibly irresponsible person.

As I'm sure you know by now, Representative Gabrielle Giffords was shot while meeting with constituents in Tucson, AZ. The shooting spree left six dead and fourteen injured.

This Doucherocket was responsible....

That's right, Jackie Coogan, aka "Uncle Fester" from television's "The Addams Family".

Ok, fine.

It's not Jackie Coogan....but I'm not gonna type his real name because it's what he would want, so Uncle Fester it is.

Now because of Uncle Fester, we will go through all the standard questions that are asked when one of these tools shoots a place up. You know, the "Why were the warning signs ignored?", and the "What could have been done to prevent this?" nonsense.

Here's your answer.....they were ignored because not every dickbag who talks crazy shit, ends up shooting everyone.

It's just that simple. You can't eradicate every person who acts like a nutcase.

In my perfect utopia you could, but sadly that isn't the reality of our existence.

There is another part to the equation in these type of events that I find particularly interesting though, and that's....The Blame Game.

Now in the past, let's say....going back to Columbine, we blamed heavy metal and video games.

In case you didn't know, the Columbine shooters, (shhh....don't say their names either) shot their fellow classmates because of Marilyn Manson and Doom.

No, it's true.

Everyone knows it.

The formula was this simple.

"Shock Rock" + First Person Shooter = Everyone at school must die.

Even *I* can understand that, and I was a terrible student.

I'm pretty sure Manson even included a map of the school inside every copy of "AntiChrist Superstar", with cross-hairs on it pinpointing every individual that he deemed to be problematic.

The map included the text "I've diagnosed the problem......help me find the solution."

So as you can see, anyone who was so deeply entrenched in the world of Manson, AND who had social awkwardness or even so far as a complete mental disorder, would HAVE to act at his behest!!!

I mean, that's how America saw it at the time.

Manson's concerts were cancelled everywhere. Protests plagued his appearances.

He was shunned, because this was clearly his fault!

Oh, and don't think Doom got off easy either!

A huge push for new laws regarding sales restrictions of violent video games swept through this nation!

Children should NOT be playing these types of games, because it makes them do things!!!

Especially the weak minded or mentally ill children!! You know the ones that have a hard time fitting in?

Those.

WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?!?!?!?

Huh?

What do you mean there was no map of Columbine in "AntiChrist Superstar"?

There HAD to be! How else would those two dickfucks have known who to shoot?

EVERYONE said it was Manson's fault! He MUST have been more specific in his message, I'm sure of it!

Ok, enough with my facetiousness.

Here's the point I want to make....

In 1999, I watched people work themselves into a froth over Marilyn Manson and videogames; swearing that those two things were the direct catalyst to the shootings at Columbine High School.

There was no map in the jacket of "AntiChrist Superstar"

There was no Columbine level on Doom.

Today, I watch people in a frenzy to explain how Sarah Palin isn't responsible for the shootings that Uncle Fester pulled off.

Sarah Palin gave us this map....

Down there in Arizona....Gabrielle Giffords has cross-hairs on her.

Now, under the same logic of "anyone completely entrenched in the world of__________",

"What is politics, Alex?"

Ok, that was a played out joke, but we can easily suggest that if one were obsessed with politics and "weak minded" or "mentally ill", they could EASILY see this map as specific instructions, no?

FAR more so, than the lyrics to "The Beautiful People", right?

But what are people doing at this hour?

Trying to explain how the actions of "one deranged young man are not the fault of Sarah Palin!"

Funny, isn't it?

See, I have watched Palin speak. I have listened to her talk about those who are destroying the American way of life, in her estimation. I have watched her align herself with The Tea Party which is symbolic of the event that sparked The American Revolution. I have watched her shooting off guns. And I have seen her map.

I say without jest, that if the theory of the "weak minded and mentally ill" is accurate, she through her words and actions, laid out a far more precise blueprint than Marilyn Manson and Doom ever dreamed to.

But she's a "hockey mom" with "Mainstreet's best interests at heart!", so she can't be a bad person, right?

Today Palin released a video claiming that people linking her to this tragic event is "blood libel".

For those unaware, blood libel is a term that's used in regards to religious minorities, primarily Jews, and it refers to them being libeled by suggesting that they make sacrifices and drink blood during religious rituals.

It was designed to more or less demonize them.

"He is an anti-American operative with blood on his hands. Why was he not pursued with the same urgency we pursue al Qaeda and Taliban leaders?"

~Sarah Palin on Julian Assange.

As far as I know, it can not be suggested that a single death can be connected to what Julian Assange put on his website.

However, it can be suggested that 6 deaths and 14 injures can be connected to what Sarah put on hers.

Under her own usage of the term blood libel....isn't she guilty?

Now, I'm not saying that she's responsible...I'm just giving an example of what a "maverick" Sarah has been when choosing her words in the past, as opposed to this video she has released today, in which she says it's unfair to tie her to this event because of what was on her website.

Sarah never seemed that interested in "fairness" before.

But this isn't as much of an indictment of Sarah Palin, as it is one of the hypocrisy of America.

When you look at what's presented, it would make far more sense to assume that Uncle Fester did what he did, because in his compromised mental state, he became entrenched in political rhetoric that made him feel that he NEEDED to do something to stop the destruction of his Country.

It does not make sense that 13 children died at Columbine because two assholes listened to "Little Horn" while playing a pixely first person shooter.

Today, the media is willing to say, essentially, that some people are just fucked up.

That's today.

Because the person having fingers pointed at her, looks, sounds, and dresses just like them.

She talks the way they talk. She fears the God they fear. And she goes to the churches they go to.

Although the man made trail to her culpability in this tragedy is far more sound than the one they created to Manson with Columbine, they NOW understand that things sometimes happen, and that there is no one, or no thing, to blame other than the person pulling the trigger.

Now.....they get it.

Interesting.

Welcome To 2010 America, In The Year 1984?

2010-12-08T02:16:00.011-05:00

Am I alone in realizing that America is...well...over?
Take a good look around you. I know, I know, it will stop you from fist pumping like The Jersey Shore guys, and it will definitely distract you from figuring out whether it's really Miley Cyrus in those naked bathroom shots.
Oh, and it will probably interrupt your slacktivism when you're posting Sherman and Mr. Peabody as your profile picture on Facebook, to "stop child abuse". But when you stop....when you actually take a look around, you'll see that there's something very wrong going on here.

You know what? I'm glad I thought of that silly Facebook Slacktivist thing in my opener, because isn't that what all this complacency is about? Americans want to feel like they're doing something....without actually DOING SOMETHING!
I mean, that's what that whole thing about posting your favorite cartoon character to stop child abuse was, right?
It was much ado about nothing. It accomplished absolutely NOTHING in the way of stopping or protesting child abuse, because who was it for? Who was watching and counting? It was ridiculousness at it's very foundation.
Yet still, everyone jumped on the bandwagon.
And why?
Because they were told it was the right thing to do.

TSA screenings are also the right thing to do. At least in the name of "Security Theater". That's the term given to all of these new screenings and procedures, as coined by Bruce Schneier in his book Beyond Fear.
It's meaning is simple.....
NONE of what you're seeing is actually making us safer.
It's all "theater". It's all an illusion that we are being treated to, because all of these measures were put in place after a near catastrophe. These catastrophes were averted only because of terrorist failure, or passengers on planes attacking the perpetrator, but none ever stopped an attempt in it's tracks.

The terrorists, you see, are always a step ahead.
They were ahead on 9/11.
They were ahead with Richard Reed.
They were ahead with Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab.

So this is a sort of closing of the barn door after the cow got out.
The "bad guys" are already planning around the security measures that do nothing but annoying the piss out of you, while violating your civil rights.

The only people affected by all of this....the only ones being interrogated, are the American air travelers who are simply trying to get to the new Wizarding World Of Harry Potter attractions at Universal Studios, FL. And you're picking THEM out as the problems, because as every stand up comic will tell you, in their hackiest of material, they only search the little old grandmothers and white people at the checkpoints, not the people who fit the "profile".

Profile!
Profile!
Profile!

Sorry, I just did that to make the easily offended go away. They HATE profiling, because... "it's like wrong to target people just because they have all the attributes of people who want to attack us, and well, who already DID attack us....and also keep telling us they are GOING to attack us again. I mean, that's just wrong! I mean, think how bad it makes them feel"

Probably not half as bad as I feel knowing that everyone is gonna get to see my hog, the next time I want to go on Splash Mountain.

Sorry, Muslim people. Sorry you have to own something because some of you are fucked up....but that's just the way it goes.
As a white man, I have to own the whole slavery thing from over a century ago, even though I come from a long line of derelicts who probably wanted to own slaves, but kept blowing all their cash on booze and whores.
I'm Irish...you know how it is.

But regardless of that very real reality....most black people who see me, probably assume that my ancestors owned slaves. Just like people today will now look at you, and assume you are part of a sleeper cell.
No one said life was fair.

But no one cares about all this. Family Guy reruns are on.
Let's see if you can pull away from that for a second.

Julian Assange of Wikileaks attempted to show everyone what was really going on behind the scenes. He showed us that all those politicians who claim to have "Main Street's best interest at heart", really have anything but. It showed us that the "they're all corrupt" whispers that we've heard all of our lives, are wholeheartedly true.
He showed us that we are aware of who attacked us on 9/11, and that those same people continue to fund the insurgency in Iraq, and these very same people, Saudi Arabia in case you didn't know, have ASKED us to invade Iran!
But Fox News told us Assange is a terrorist.
That he is putting the men and women of our military "in harm's way".
So, it MUST be true!

5,817

That number up there, is the number of American military lives lost in the Afghan and Iraqi theaters as of the time that I submitted this blog entry.
While, according to the Wikileaks cables, the American government knows that Saudi Arabian donators were behind the attacks that kicked this whole party off, 5,817 men and women have died elsewhere.
Why?
I don't know.....do you?
I just know there's no plan to bring them home, and they're still over there dying...as recently as December 5th.

So I ask you.....who put our men and women in harms way more?

1.) A Government that sent them into two wars with people that had no hand in the 9/11 terror attacks? A Government by the way, that was co-piloted by Dick Cheney, a man who's currently at the center of a $180 million dollar bribery scandal, circling around Halliburton, a company that has made billions off of said wars.

or

2.) A man who released "in house" documents that showed everyone the reality of those wars.

The basis of our government being the opinion of the people, the very first object should be to keep that right; and were it left to me to decide whether we should have a government without newspapers, or newspapers without a government, I should not hesitate for a moment to prefer the latter.
~Thomas Jefferson

Thomas Jefferson, in case you didn't know, was one of the Founding Fathers.
He was one of the framers of The Constitution that this Country was built upon.

5,817.

Since Wikileaks released their cables, 12 soldiers have died in Iraq and Afghanistan.
I haven't seen any evidence that Julian Assange was responsible for that....but he's still a wanted man for it.

Members of Dynacorp International, a U.S. Security contractor who are training Afghan police, and that draws almost all of it's 2 billion dollar annual contract from taxpayer money, aren't wanted though. Which is strange, considering that according to Wikileaks cables, they are known to be hosting Bacha Bazi parties in Afghanistan.
What's Bacha Bazi, you ask?
It's parties where young boys are bid on by wealthy businessmen for anal sex.
That doesn't seem right, does it?

I know, maybe telling what they did, is actually worse than what they've done!
That must be it, right?
Let's check on that......

Sec. 1.7. Classification Prohibitions and Limitations.
In no case shall information be classified, continue to be maintained as classified, or fail to be declassified in order to:
conceal violations of law, inefficiency, or administrative error;
prevent embarrassment to a person, organization, or agency; restrain competition; or
prevent or delay the release of information that does not require protection in the interest of the national security.

That's from Executive Order 13932, put in place by George W. Bush, on March 25, 2003.

Julian Assange is wanted for releasing information that show violations of law, inefficiency, and administrative error. Information that was embarrassing to people....especially Hillary Clinton....organizations and agencies.

But nevermind all that....Kim Kardashian and Gabriel Aubrey have called it quits!!!! OMG!!!!
No, like I'm TOTALLY serious! It's on the frontpage of Yahoo! right now!
(How else did you think I knew who Gabriel Aubrey was?....Kardashian you can't escape, if you live in America)

Do you think if we all change our Facebook profiles to pics of our favorite things to eat as a kid, Kim and Gabriel will get back together?
I hope so.

In the coming weeks, monitors will be placed in Walmarts, Hotels, and Shopping Malls, that feature messages from Homeland Security. These messages will remind you that "If you see something, say something", and then ask you to report others that you find suspicious to law enforcement.

The question is, what does Homeland Security now deem "suspicious"

Homeland Security recently seized over 70 web domains, without due process, and then recently placed actor Mark Ruffalo on a terror advisory list, for his participation in a documentary about natural gas drilling entitled "Gasland". In fairness, I could completely understand doing this to him for his participation in "Rumor Has It" with Jennifer Aniston, but not for a documentary.

In the 50's, Senator Joe McCarthy went after everyone that he believed to be "Communists". That was the word then...they didn't invent "Terrorists" yet, or something. "McCarthyism" is widely regarded as one of the most embarrassing ideologies in American history....yet here we are....again.
Just replace "Communist" with "Terrorist".

The placement of Mark Ruffalo on a terror advisory list simply because of his participation in a documentary, reminded me of all of The Hollywood Blacklist.
Rather than me explain it to you....just go here.....
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hollywood_blacklist

See how eerily similar it all is?

Eh, what can I say, people....the great America seems to be crumbling down around us, and no one seems to either care or notice, because Snooki has a new boyfriend.
You know, after all the Wikileaks stuff broke, I was reading the comments under an article on a U.K. based website regarding a poll that day that said MSNBC found that 70% of the American people felt that Julian Assange was a terrorist.
One of the posters said something to the effect of....

"Look at them! They now can SEE how corrupt their Government is, and they want the head of the man who showed them, instead of those responsible!!"

SHOOT THE MESSENGER!!!!
Fear is a motherfucker, isn't it?
Not as much as complacency though.

I'm gonna leave you with a quote from one of Senator Joe McCarthy's strongest critics, Edward R. Murrow.
Just change out certain words to make it more applicable to current day terminologies and watch how creepy it gets....you'll know the ones, I'm too tired to explain it to you.....besides, Man Vs. Food is on, and I've just completed my Slacktivism for the day!

"His primary achievement has been in confusing the public mind, as between the internal and the external threats of Communism. We must not confuse dissent with disloyalty. We must remember always that accusation is not proof and that conviction depends upon evidence and due process of law. We will not walk in fear, one of another. We will not be driven by fear into an age of unreason, if we dig deep in our history and our doctrine, and remember that we are not descended from fearful men.

We proclaim ourselves, as indeed we are, the defenders of freedom, wherever it continues to exist in the world, but we cannot defend freedom abroad by deserting it at home. The actions of the junior Senator from Wisconsin have caused alarm and dismay amongst our allies abroad, and given considerable comfort to our enemies. And whose fault is that? Not really his. He didn't create this situation of fear; he merely exploited it—and rather successfully"
~Edward R. Murrow

Taking A Moment To Thank A Genius

2010-11-20T11:03:00.001-05:00

This will be lost on you, because undoubtedly, you don't wash your hands after using a restroom, but for those of us who do, I want to extend a long overdue thank you to the Excel company for their magnificent product.

I give you....The Xlerator....

This magical device will have your hands dry in about 10 seconds flat.
I'm pretty sure it has hurricane force winds captured inside it's steel casing, that are released every time the sensor detects a hand is placed below.

Remember the days of old? A machine so weak, that it would have been quicker to pay the guy who just serviced you in the stall to just blow on your hands to dry them?
Those days sucked!

Or that silly "wave your hand under the dispenser and a towel rolls out" thing??
It gives you a sheet so tiny that only a fucking dwarf would be able to dry his little sausage hands with it, but it's pointless anyway, because he can't reach up to wave his hand under it.
I can picture the lil' fella now...jumping as high as he can with his hands flailing about, and then finally still.... looking up at the machine in silence with his sad little face...just wanting a towel, but knowing he can never have one. And then with his head down, slowly walking out of the restroom, as he dries his hands by rubbing them on the sides of his tiny pants.
Those are the moments in life to cherish, people. Don't let them pass you by without taking a minute to appreciate them!

But I digress....
The Xlerator is the greatest thing to ever hit the bathroom stall since the cologne guy. Not that I actually use the cologne guy, because I haven't rocked Drakkar Noir since the 80's....but I just like to know that he's there.
By the way...is there a dollar amount they could pay you, to get you to sit in a Men's restroom all day?
What a terrible way to make a buck.

Now, you may be asking yourself why I didn't discuss the much newer Dyson Air Blade instead of the Xlerator....

It's because I don't enjoy the Air Blade as much as I do the Xlerator.
Sure, it does a fine job of drying the hands, but I don't like the idea of putting my hands into something.
Every time I use the Air Blade, I feel like I'm presenting my hands to a police officer for cuffing, or that the machine is some sort of trap.
Besides, I don't just willingly surrender to "the man".

P.S....I'd like to see a dwarf try to use this one too!!!!

The Rally To Restore Sanity

2010-11-01T17:10:00.008-04:00

We keep hearing about "values" and "honor" these days, and how they need to be restored. We hear about what the "Real America" is supposed to be.
The strange part about that is, the people who keep trying to force their belief system of "values", "honor", and "patriotism" down our throats, seem to be missing what America was all about.

The right to be who you want to be, live as you want to live, and to decide for yourself what the three things I mentioned above are, for you.

This past weekend, I joined an estimated crowd of 215,000 people in Washington, D.C., for the "Rally To Restore Sanity" that was held by Comedy Central's Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. The point of this get together was for Americans who feel that politicians have completely driven the train off the tracks, to join forces, and let their voices be heard.

It was for ALL people who share this belief.
I saw Whites, Blacks, Asians, Latinos, Indians, Muslims, Democrats, Republicans, Libertarians, The Green Party, the young and the old, all joined together for one common cause....to say "ENOUGH!".

Enough Paranoia.
Enough Fear.
Enough Lies.
Enough Spin.
Enough Division.
Enough Propaganda.
And Enough of YOUR "values".

When did America become a place where everyone needs to adhere to one specific group's value system?
I thought this was a Democracy?
I thought each man was allowed to forge his own path here, based on his own choices and beliefs?
I think people forget that their values, aren't necessarily someone else's, and that when you try to push your values on someone, you become very non-American.

For those of you on the Right, that feel that this rally was an attack on you, sorry.
But when you align yourselves with the Tea Party of Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck, you kind of put yourselves in that position.
For everyone who sees how crazy a lot of the fear mongering they offer is, I can only say this....
The elections tomorrow may not prove us right....but I believe history will.
I think this particular time in our existence as America, will be looked back on as a huge black eye for America. I believe this place in time for America, will be this generation's "McCarthy Era", but I hope it doesn't eventually contain events that overshadow it.

But now I want to tell you a simple story about how exactly what the rally was fighting against, is still alive and well, this very day!

At the end of the rally, as we were heading back to my car, my son asked me...
"Do you think that the people in their costumes, and the Pro Prop 19 guys will hurt the way that people view the rally?"

I responded by saying that anyone who thinks those people hurt the point of the rally, didn't get the point of the rally in the first place, and that outlets like Fox News weren't going to tell the truth about what went on here today anyway.

He then said "Well, they can't lie about it, because there were cameras, and too many people who know what really happened."

I said "Oh, you'd be surprised what people will do to further their cause."

This morning, my son called me. He had seen the "Fox and Friends" spin on The Rally To Restore Honor, and he was livid.
He said that he couldn't believe the flat out lies they told....including how the rally was all pro Obama and the liberal agenda, and reports of people trying to overturn and light the Fox News van on fire.

You see, we were near the Fox News van...and no one EVER bothered it...yelled at it....spit at it...nothing.
The only thing I heard, was people saying "Wow, I can't believe they actually are going to cover this...I wonder how they'll spin it."

Well, my son doesn't have to wonder that now, because he WATCHED Fox News blatantly lie about what was happening there.
He knows now that they in fact, distort reality for their own agenda.

My son was especially irritated with the female host of Fox and Friends, Gretchen Carlson, because of the way she tried to belittle Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert for not being "real newsmen" and laughing at the people who didn't understand that.
He said "When did they ever claim they were anything but comedians...and who there didn't realize that?"
I told my son that he would have to forgive her....she was probably just a little upset that, while they are not real newsmen, she is....and yet I guarantee that more people know who they are than who she is, and that their respective shows probably have more viewers in one episode, than Fox and Friends has all month.
That fact is probably irritating her a little bit.

So what did Fox News accomplish with all of this?
It discredited itself on a personal level, to a 12 year old boy, who was a first hand witness to their lies.

So for him, the rally means more today, than it did Saturday.

Well played, Fox News!

How Do You Type Out The Close Encounters Theme?

2010-10-26T00:48:00.003-04:00

So if you've been paying attention, you have noticed an insane amount of UFO sightings lately.
Starting specifically on October 13, 2010 in the day lit skies of Manhattan.

But here's what you may not know.
In his book, "Challenges Of Change" retired NORAD officer Stanley Fulham, who claims to be in contact with extra terrestrials, stated that they would begin revealing themselves to us on....you guessed it....October 13, 2010.

And if you take the number 10, 13, and 2010 do you know what that signifies???
Huh?
No, I'm asking you....I have no idea, but isn't that what people always do in these situations?
Look, I'm just as new to this as you are, you don't need to get all uppity on me!!!
Whatever.

Now let's look at this....the Vatican recently held meetings regarding how they would deal with the revelation of extra terrestrial life. That would kinda mess things up for them a little bit, you know.
Then back in September, there was all kinds of buzz about The United Nations appointing an "Alien Ambassador", for the day that we make first contact.

Then in October....the sightings begin en masse.
Strange, no?

Let start at the beginning....Manhattan....

Ok, weird, but no big deal in and of itself, right?

What about 2 days later in El Paso, TX.....

Then 2 more days later on the 17th in Richmond, VA....

Italy....

Phoenix the originator of lights in the sky...but this time...in the daylight.

And North London....

Then on October 21st, there was this from Washington D.C.
Notice that the helicopters observe, but nothing is done to the craft. Strange in a post 9/11 America, no?

The following night in Cincinnati, OH....

Oh now, you're thinking we were left out of all the fun again, weren't you my fellow Delawareans?
You were thinking that the only aliens we have are Christine O'Donnell and Glen Urquhart, right?
Well you're WRONG!!!

October 22, 2010: Route 7 and 41.......

I think they sent the most to us, because they saw Christine O'Donnell's "I am not a witch" spots, and realized we either really need some help, or some good old fashioned killin'.
Are you happy now, Christine???? Your dumb has made the aliens come out!!!!

And the list goes on and on....Bath, Maine....Scotland....Argentina....Moscow.
And let's not forget China having to shut down it's airports because this gem has appeared EIGHT times since June.

All I know is, if this is all fake, it's the biggest global conspiracy we have ever seen, and I tip my hat to the crew behind it. Well, figuratively that is....I don't actually own a hat.

If it's legit square biz....just kill us quick. That whole slave thing seems like a really shitty idea.
At the very least....you'll definitely end religion, and that works for me, because I REALLY get tired of arguing with grown ass people about Noah and his Magical Ark.

AnudderCast Is Officially The Greatest Podcast Of All Time.

2010-10-14T14:03:00.000-04:00

I noticed that Christine O'Donnell sites her own articles from her own website, on her Facebook page, so I figured....what the Hell!!

Have you heard AnudderCast?
No?
Well where have you been?? Under a rock??

AnudderCast is only the most successful, and most downloaded podcast of all time!
More people download AnudderCast each day, than have watched every single SuperBowl...COMBINED!!!
No, it's totally true!

AND, AnudderCast is an aphrodisiac! Pinky Swear!!!
If your woman has been a little cold lately, put on AnudderCast, and Rosie from the old Bounty Paper Towels commercials will have to rush in to sop up the mess!!
No that's true....there were like studies done at one of the colleges that I may or may not have attended.

And you know who else loves AnudderCast?
Only a little known guy named Jesus.
Yup.
I ran in to him last week at Buffalo Wild Wings, and he was all like "Yo, Episode TwenT7 was ON POINT, Dawg!! Fo' reals!!!"
He wanted to pay for my meal, but it thought it would be a little much.

You know what else?
1 out of 4 doctors found that listening to AnudderCast kills the H.I.V. virus.
Yeah, I know that 3 out of 4 didn't, but lets just focus on what I *think* makes my point!

Anyway, if I were you, I'd be off to iTunes, Podbean, or Podcast Alley, and downloading AnudderCast....unless you LIKE not getting laid.

Walter and Pacman For The Atari 2600.

2010-10-09T02:18:00.004-04:00

I've already told you that I'm 40 now, so I have no problem admitting that I used to play the Atari 2600 like it was my job.
Seriously....as much as I possibly could, I was planted in front of that thing.
That was, until Colecovision came along, but that's a whole other story.

Now, if you were around in the early 80's, or hell, even are around now, which you clearly are because you're reading this, you no doubt know what Pacman is. More importantly, if you do, you also know what Pacman is supposed to look like.
But nowhere in your recall, do you remember Pacman looking like this, right?

THAT, was the Atari 2600 version of Pacman....and it was a complete and utter piece of shit.
Atari COMPLETELY screwed everyone with that version of Pacman.
And it never had to be that way....in fact, years later, it was proven that it never had to be that way.

A guy who wanted to show what a lazy job the Atari programmers did with their port of Pacman, programmed his own version of the game, using an emulated 2600 developers kit.
In short, his computer simulated the tools that he would have had back in the early 80's, if he were a real Atari game programmer.

Here's what he turned out...

So as you can see, Atari raped you.
Atari raped us.
That was the Pacman we could have been playing in our homes.

But, I do have some found memories about their version of the game. Not involving me actually playing that piece of shit, because I never really did. But involving my friend Walter.

Walter was a high strung young fella....so much so, that he had a Ritalin prescription.
But getting him to actually take his Ritalin, was a magic trick that his mother seldom could pull off.
So most days, his energy level was a little more than what was desired.

There were two things that Walter loved and gave his undivided attention to, and they were both on his Atari 2600.
Pacman and Yar's Revenge.
Both games, I found to be really shitty...but he adored them for some reason that I will never quite understand.
His Pacman sessions stand out for me more than Yar's Revenge, because he actually put himself into the Pacman world.

If you recall from the video I showed you of actual gameplay, the sounds, much like the graphics, were NOTHING like what we had come to know with the arcade Pacman experience. That somehow did not bother Walter in the least bit. In fact, he embraced it.
When Walter would successfully consume a ghost, he would exclaim "PAAAA-KOOOO!!!"....each and every time.

But there was also a sound effect that Walter created FOR the game.
See, the Atari version of Pacman didn't have the cherries, strawberries, and other various fruits as it's bonus items that would appear below the ghost box. It had a giant square.
Yes, a square.
But Walter decided that it was a pie.
Yes, a pie.
So, each and every time he would eat the pie, he would exclaim "PIE FOR WALTER!!" Each...and...every...time.

All was right in Walter's world!
Except for one small problem.
Walter's brother Robert, would want his turn with their video game system.
This usually consisted in Robert entering the room and saying "Gimmie the jewystick, Walter!"
Yes, the "Jewystick".

You see, back then, you didn't have a game controller, you had a joystick.
This joystick, to be precise....

For some reason though, it was refered to as a "Jewystick" around their household. It would have made more sense to call it a "Chewystick" though, because someone in that house had left teeth marks all over the rubber stick part. It was literally gnawed upon.

What I most remember about the Jewystick, was it's final day.
Walter was playing Yar's Revenge, and Robert entered the room in his usual way.
"Walter, it's my turn, give me the jewystick!"

This was basically ignored by Walter, who was entrenched in his game.
Robert was persistent though, and finally gained Walter's attention. Walter assured Robert that when his game was over, he would give him his turn.
But it seems that Walter's word wasn't exactly good, as once his game ended, he simply began a new one.
This sent Robert into a frenzy.
I remember the final moments going like this.....

"Give it, Walter!....give me the jewystick!.....Give it here!.....give it here!....gimmie the jewystick!.....give it!.....give it!!.....give it here!.....gimmie the jewystick!....give it here!"

And then, in a volcanic eruption, Walter shot up from his seat and yelled "FINE THEN!!!!!", and smooth blasted Robert right on his skull top with the...."Jewystick".
I think someone didn't take their Ritalin that day.

It what seemed like slow motion, I remember the orange button flying across the room, and the stick flying another way, and then silence.
Just pure silence....a silence that matched my disbelief at what I had just seen.
But suddenly, the silence was broken by Robert wailing in pain. I remember him walking up the basement steps on his path to tell their mother, holding his head, and doing one of those screams that kids do where no sound is even coming out, but when it does, it's blood curdling.

Walter, knowing the ass whooping he was about to receive, looked to me and said in a panic "WE GOTTA GO!!!"....and out the back door we went!
As we darted up the alleyway, Walter's mother screamed from the kitchen window "You gotta come home sometime, boy!!!!!", and he did, but hey....why be killed now, when you can be killed later, right?

What's my point in all this?
My point is that Atari could have made a better Pacman, but I still have fond memories of the piece of shit they gave us, anyway.
Sometimes the things that suck the most, are the most fun to look back on.
Well....not for Robert, though.

I'm About To Be 40...Let's See What I've Learned Thus far.

2010-10-04T15:39:00.008-04:00

I'm sitting here drinking a smoothie I just made in my Montel Williams HealthMaster Blender.
It consists of two bananas, two peaches, ten strawberries, some spinach, soy milk, ice, and a little peanut butter for protein.
I'll drink this throughout the day, while you eat a Double Quarter Pounder with "ham drippins" and extra cheese, washed down with a few Bud Light Limes or something.

And you know the best part?
You'll probably out live me.
Because that always seems to be the way these things go.

You see, I'm turning 40 this week, so I think I'm supposed to start be concerned about my health and stuff....at least, that's what everyone says, right?
As time has gone by, I have become more and more "health conscious". My lifestyle today, doesn't even begin to resemble the one I lived when I was 20, or even 25.
Those were fast food filled days, and Jagermeister filled nights...by the bottle.
I don't mean that to be an exaggeration, I literally would go out each night with a bottle of Jagermeister, and it would be gone when the night was done.
THAT, to me, was "social drinking".

But make sure you live that way in your youth....just for a little while.
It can be a HELL of a good time.
And if you don't....you'll be more likely to try to live that way when you turn 40, and have what is known as a mid-life crisis. That is when you become a total douchebag, and no one wants to be a douchebag.

However, through the various trappings of life, I have mellowed out considerably as of this typing...you know, days before I turn the "Big 4-0".
I hate that saying, by the way. That, and "Lordy Lordy, Look Who's 40!".
I just feel that the person who says that to you on your birthday, should be some incredibly overweight female co-worker that wears big sweaters, and has a lot of cats that are all named "Mr. or Mrs." something or other.
Don't be that person.
Don't ever be that person.
You may have convinced yourself that "Mr. Stompybottom" is all the companionship that you need, but that's just some bullshit rationalization mechanism that you've taught yourself to use, to stop yourself from wanting blow your brains out whenever you watch "The Notebook", and you realize that you will never have a story like that of your own.

Go have a story like that of your own.
It's your choice.
YOU know what's stopping it from happening...so do something about it.

Thing is, in my personal experiences, people who are overly invested in their animals, are so, because they completely lack the social skills to make their company desirable to human beings. So, they compensate by convincing themselves that their pets "love" them in the same way that another human would.
Let me break it down to you....your pets love you, because you feed them. If you no longer had food to give them, they would eat you.
However, if a human is starving, I doubt they would eat their child or significant other...get it?

If in this life, you get along better with animals than you do people, it's because you're an asshole.
Let the kidding of your self stop at this sentence.

Don't be an asshole. Don't be someone who walks into a room and knows that you owe apologies to people who were never anything but good to you. What's the point of that? What are you getting out of it?
I mean, I'm an asshole...but just because I say inappropriate things and such. But I never go around trying to fuck people over.
That's just bullshit.
And if you are someone like that....how's that worked out for you so far?
No need to answer...I already know.

But on the flipside of that...respect people who are genuinely trying to redeem themselves.
Do you know how difficult that shit must be? To know that people are thinking about you in a poor light when you enter a room, to know that you have a long road to walk down until others see you the way you now want to be seen. To be acknowledged for *truly* correcting your mistakes, and for the life you live now, not the one that you once did?
That has to be the worst....but they still do it, because they want to be better than they were.
Be thankful, if you've never had to try that hard.

Apologize when you should.
If you've done something terribly wrong, say you're sorry.....and mean it.
However, saying you're sorry, and repeating the offensive action over and over again, means you really aren't sorry at all. I just put that on the table because I've known people in my 40 years that seemed to think otherwise.
And not apologizing doesn't make you sophisticated or powerful.....it just makes things worse.
Save that "Apologies are a sign of weakness" shit, for overdone 80's movie characters who are trying to pull off a hostile takeover or something...if you were an asshole...apologize!
It makes you more of an asshole than you already are if you don't, so at least make an attempt to right your wrongs.
After all, the only thing that you can ignore, and it'll just go away, is your teeth.
I learned that from an old Crest commercial, or something or the sort.

At the same time, however, don't think that just because you're truly sorry, people have to forgive you.
Sometimes, and for me especially, it's not so much a matter of holding a grudge, as it is that I feel there's no value to you in my life.
That doesn't mean that the new you can't have value in someone else's....just that I have invested more time than I should have in you, and am completely not interested in investing a second more.
I suspect others have that same kind of policy.
It's kinda like going to a shitty amusement park. You paid your entry fee, you went on all the rides, but at the end of the day, you felt like it wasn't worth the time or money you spent on it. Since then, it's added new rides and cleaned up it's act a bit, but you just have no desire to give it another go.
Saavy?
Good.
Let's move on.

Don't be a braggart.
Here's a little tip from me to you....when you go around broadcasting how great your life is to everyone who will listen, it usually means....you hate your life.
I don't mean the occasional, "I love my life!!!" statement, I mean the constant full resume of everything awesome about YOU, gimmick.

Overcompensation: n- an attempt to make up for a character trait by overexaggerating its opposite.

See?
It's really pretty basic, and the fact that I have to walk you people through such things, is a little embarrassing.
But more importantly than the fact that everyone knows you're full of shit, you're just plain fucking annoying!
If people are expressing a current dislike of their life, and you plow in there with your "resume of awesome", they hate you. You do not resonate with them on a human level.
No one is impressed. No one is wishing they were you.
You're just a douchebag.
A simple "Hey, I know what you mean", or an anecdote of yours that rings similarly to what they're expressing at the time, is a little more in order.
Despite what you clearly think, blowing out other people's candles does not make yours shine brighter.
It just makes everyone else hate your candle.

If you're in a shitty marriage or relationship....become an "Ex".
Unless you're the part of the marriage/relationship that's shitty...in which case...stop being an asshole.
If you're thinking you'll just get away with your bullshit forever and that they'll never leave you because they've put too much time in, or because you have kids now, or because they have too much to lose....man, do you have a rude awakening coming your way.
And here's the worst part, right around the time that you realize that you really fucked up something good, and want another chance....that person will have had a lifetime's worth of you, and will be down the road and never looking back.

If you've found someone that's truly good to you...hold on tight, and never let go.
The owner of Mr. Stompybottom cries themself to sleep each night wishing they had what you do.
And they're waiting for their chance to pounce on your fuck up.

But if you aren't the one screwing it up, and you're the decent one in the relationship...there is nothing worse than being stuck with someone you can't stand.
For all of you out there, and I know there are some, I feel your pain. I know what it's like to go out to social events, and want people to think that everything is everything in your marriage, to put on your best face and your best fake smile, but meanwhile be secretly evaluating who you should have stayed with/went for/never let get away/or would rather be with, instead.
It's a motherfucker, isn't it?

No matter how hard you try, you just can't get them to work with you to make the relationship good, right?

Look, it's just this simple....whether you're a man or a woman, and you're in one of these kinds of relationships, there is someone better for you out there!!
There's someone who has your sense of humor, someone who likes to talk about things you like to talk about, someone who wants to experience things that you want to experience, someone who isn't a drunk or a drug user, someone who doesn't lie to you constantly, someone who isn't violent or busting your balls constantly.
That, is who you should be with.

Life is short....it really is....why waste one more minute with someone who drains the life from your body?
Someone who is all about themselves.
Do you really want to be with them for the rest of your life?
No?
Then why be with them for the rest of the week?
It doesn't matter how much YOU valued a relationship, if the other person doesn't value it at all.
That's a VERY important thing to think about.

CARPE DIEM, BITCHES!!!

Spend as much time with your kids doing the things they want to do, as possible.
People will always tell you how fast it all goes by, and it's so incredibly true, that I really can't convey it accurately in words. One of my children will be a teenager in just a couple months, the other is a preteen....but I can still remember taking them hunting for Batman figures and Care Bears, and more importantly, the excitement they had when they found the exact one they were looking for, like it was yesterday.
And I always will.
I can't imagine being like some of the people I have seen, who have children, but invest no time into them at all. Who don't care what their interests are, and who have never shown them something that sparked a new interest in them.
I also don't care for people who try to shelter their children from the realities of life. You aren't doing them, you, or anyone else a service.
Talk to them, and explain things in detail....you'll be surprised how much better things flow that way.

Place an inordinate amount of value on your friends.
They are the only people who know what a total fuck up you've been your whole life, yet still will call you to go out for a beer on Saturday.
There's something to be said about that.

And express yourself.
Do something you like to do. Don't just be another cog in the machine...say something, draw something, build something, grow something, compose something...anything...but leave some kind of mark. Be known for SOMETHING even if you aren't good at it....just be known for trying to be.
Believe me, there are people that I can think of, that just the thought of them can bring a smile to my face, simply because of how badly they wanted to be good at something that they weren't.
There's something very endearing and admirable about that.

But most importantly, I guess, try to not look back and have too many regrets that weigh on you constantly.
Because I guess that's what all of it is about, right?
If you've done the terrible things I've mentioned here, and haven't done the great things, you probably have regrets.
That, I guess, is what we all need to figure out....how to avoid regret.

I'm still working on that.

The Future: Where Will All The Jobs Go?

2010-09-27T17:13:00.004-04:00

Print Media Is Now What Radio "Stories" Were To Broadcast Media

I was recently listening to an episode of "This Week In Tech", where guest Kevin Rose of Digg.com was talking about his new Amazon Kindle. One of the focuses was the dramatic price drop to a mere $139, no doubt to fend off the mighty Apple iPad, which at the time of it's debut, was just a couple hundred dollars more than a Kindle, with a LOT more functionality.

More likely than not, within a couple years, the Kindle will be free with the promise of a few book downloads. So, that means everyone will be able to have a device which allows them to read books and newspapers on them at all times.
Even if you don't want to go the Kindle route, I'll bet most of you as of this typing, have a device in your possession on which you can access up to the minute news, right?
Sure you do. After all, at the very least, you have the computer that you're reading this on right now. It has access to all sorts of news, and it's updated every single second.

For the techies out there....remember the days where you'd have to wait until your favorite magazine ran it's features on the most impressive items from CES or E3? It's much nicer being able to watch the presentations streaming live, isn't it?

What would ever make you want to go back to the way things were?

Sure, print media served us well for a VERY long time, but now that we can have things beamed to our devices, why should we stay that course?
Why would we want to?

Some of you may be thinking "Yeah, but what about when you're in an area where there's no decent Wi-Fi?" Well, sure...that's a problem right now, but how big of a problem will it be in the near future?

The White Space Spectrum

Remember all those airwaves that were getting used when broadcast television was analog?
No...the way you used to get it before digital conversion?
Ok...when you still used rabbit ear antennas....THAT broadcast signal!
Well, those are all freed up now, and the FCC has cleared the path for White Space Wi-Fi to begin rolling out. Right now, it's download speeds are not what most people are accustomed to, but they're more than adequate for text based downloads....like your newspapers, magazines, etc.
So, while still in it's infancy, White Space Spectrum will eventually blanket this Country in Wi-Fi, the same way television did not that long ago. You WILL be able to get your newspaper wherever you are.

Menus Are Printed Too

Yes, in a way, menus are also print media, but restaurants have already begun eliminating them too.
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking I'm taking things way too far now, right?
You're thinking that I'm talking about some sort of "Jetsons" future, right?
Well, you're wrong.

The following video is just an example of what is beginning to happen around the World.
A little bit later, I'll explain to you what this all means.

Well, what did you think?
Pretty high tech, huh?
Not as much as you may think.

This is Inamo in London.
iPads are a little too pedestrian for them....so at Inamo, your whole F'N table is a touch screen menu.

What This Means To You And Me, Rusty

How do you feel about all of this?
Does it frighten you? Because maybe it should.
There's a lot of focus being put on the print media industry these days, and it's ability or non-ability to survive in an ever growing, ever evolving, technological landscape.
I've just shown you here how unlikely it is that there will still be print news even ten years from now.
USA Today has even announced that they are going to begin "de-emphasizing" their print edition. That basically means killing it off, boys and girls. They just don't want to flat out say it, and send shockwaves into an industry that's already hanging on by a thread.

But let's go beyond the print world now, shall we?
Think back to the videos you just watched with the iPad and touch screen table menus.
I KNOW you have a short attention span because you been diagnosed with A.D.D., but think real hard.
Remember now?
Ok.
Besides printed menus, there's something else missing from those restaurants now too. Do you know what it is?
It's a wait staff.
That's right, the wait staff isn't really needed anymore. Just someone to bring the food from the kitchen to the table. Ordering your meal is far more expeditious with an iPad; you never have to wait for someone to "get around to you"...you just order when you're ready. And it's far more cost effective for a restaurant to pay ONCE for an iPad, than to pay weekly for a full wait staff. Even the least bright among us can do that math.
So, sorry waiters and waitresses out there...your time is short.
The days of nice tips are over.
You could always get a job at a local fast food place or something.
Or can you?

The way I see it, if we've reached a point where we don't need wait staff anymore, we CERTAINLY won't be needing cashiers at fast food chains.
You'll simply walk up to the touch screen, touch "Two double triple Big Macs, a Super Dooper size chocolate covered fries, and a small Diet Coke."...then swipe your debit card, or insert your cash, and voila...out comes your heart attack on a dirty tray.

Drive Thru, you say? NO PROBLEM!
How about a Wi-Fi sync that allows you to place the order on your way to the restaurant, on your touch screen handheld device? You simply are handed the food at the window when you arrive, and it's automatically billed to your debit once you hit "Submit Order" on your handheld.

What about your job?
Can you think of ways in which this kind of stuff can eliminate the need for you?
And where will all these people go? What will they do for income?
See, this is about to get a WHOLE LOT BIGGER than print media. This isn't some distant future, this is now. THIS, is the genesis of the new world....it's just that no one is paying attention that closely.
They never do, until it affects them.

Lucky for you, you have me.

Ines Sainz: A Guide To All You Need To Know About Her

2010-09-15T16:44:00.003-04:00

Yup.

That about covers it.

At least, I would think that's all SHE wants you to know, right?
After all, if you do a Google image search, there isn't a single picture of her, in which she doesn't look like she's on her way to shoot "Booty Wreckers 8: Return Of Ass Mangler". (I made that title up, by the way, and I swear if there's EVER a character known as Ass Mangler, I'm suing!)

Now, for anyone to be upset, that men responded to her THE WAY SHE WANTS THEM TO, is the upper echelon of insanity. She is dressing in a way that she knows men find incredibly attractive.

For the record, that is one of the greatest asses I have seen in recent memory.
I know it.
You know it.
Ines knows it.
And we judge a "great ass" based on...get ready for it....SEXUAL DESIRE.
There are shapes and characteristics that men find incredibly appealing, and Ines' ass contains ALL of them.
So what does she do? She wears things that do their damnedest to accentuate every curve and crevice.
And who does she does this for?
Men.

Unless she gets down with broads too, in which case she only becomes MORE desirable to men.

Women, let me break this down for you....YOU have responsibility here too. You are not exonerated of your crime, just because you are female.
Sorry.
If you want to exercise your right to enter the mens locker room, then you also need to exercise something else....common sense and a semblance of professionalism. And there is NOTHING professional about what Ines wears when she enters these locker rooms.

If you don't want to be treated like a whore, then don't dress like you're up for "Best Interracial Gang Bang" at the AVN Awards.
It's just....that....simple.

By the way, how come you don't see men in the women's locker rooms?
Oh that's right, because it's probably not a good idea.

Announcement: I Need Your Attention!

2010-09-12T12:47:00.010-04:00

Since Pastor Terry Jones chickened out and decided not to stage his book burning, I truly believe that something needs to be done to show our protest, as Americans. In this turbulent age we find ourselves living in, we as Americans can not afford to just sit by on the sidelines and do nothing. We must fight back! We must stand up for ourselves and secure our sacred landmarks, preserve our culture -- our very way of life.

With that in mind, I am hereby announcing that I will be holding a book burning at my home in Milford Delaware in my backyard fire pit this Saturday, September 18th.

It has recently come to my attention that Mad Magazine is headquartered and published in New York City, a mere thirty blocks or so from Ground Zero. This is intolerable. We as Americans can not let this continue. Mad Magazine has been a subversive force in America for more than 50 years. They have taken unwarranted shots at our American political system, our culture, even baseball and apple pie -- the very fabric of our society.

They supported the hippie movement in the 60's; they were against Reagan in the 80's; they continue to support gun control, abortion, stem cell research, ear-marks, high taxes, welfare for the needy, Obama-care -- all things anti-American...(well I'm not really sure about anything in this last paragraph, I really just made all this up).

Do not forget about those Spy vs. Spy bastards. This is like a mini terrorist training manual, where these guys teach us ways to plant bombs and set booby traps, in each and every issue.

Lastly, the final page has some kind of cryptic fold up message that if decrypted properly lays a path for Americas destruction...again, they publish this magazine only thirty or so blocks away from Ground Zero!

So join me in burning as many copies of Mad magazine as we can gather. I have gathered almost a dozen copies and will be accepting donations from local churches, schools, and libraries. I will be holding a press conference later this week to announce my final plans, so stay tuned.

God bless America.

September 11, 2001

2010-09-10T09:33:00.001-04:00

You know, growing up I always heard people say "I remember EXACTLY what I was doing when John Kennedy was killed.", and I used to think..."Yeah, whatever...I'm sure you remember exactly what you were doing , asshat."
Hey, I've told you before, I'm a bit of an asshole.
BUT, I'm no where near the asshole that I USED to be, AND, I tell you that I'm an asshole.
Other people just act like they're friendly and such, then pull the rug out from under you.

Guess what?
I remember EXACTLY what I was doing on September 11, 2001.

I was working in Greenville, DE. My employee Ryan and I were listening to the radio, and installing 4 inch by 3/4 select red oak in the upstairs bedroom of a customer of mine, whom I had done work for over the years. This was the last room for me to install wood in, as I had already done the rest of her house.
Ryan and I were discussing another guy we know who just the day before returned to work at the company that we both previously worked for.

Then Howard Stern cut from his banter to mention that a plane had crashed into the World Trade Center.

Almost in unison with Stern, Ryan and I laughingly wondered how someone could be such a dumb ass and hit something so huge. And also in unison with Stern, we said..."Must have been a small commuter plane".

Along with the rest of America....the rest of the World, we soon realized that it was something much, much more.

The hour that followed was filled with panic, as false reports were coming in of bombs going off all over Washington D.C., AND some douche shooting something off near the jobsite we were on.
At that moment, we were under the impression that an all out attack was going down.

I called my wife at the time, and she seemed to not fully grasp the gravity of the situation, even though she told me that someone at the Capital Management firm she worked at, was on the phone with someone at Cantor Fitzgerald when he heard yelling and then silence as the phone went dead.
THAT, is something that would haunt me forever....hell, it sticks with ME as it is, and I didn't even hear it.

For all of us who were alive that day, the feeling was indescribable. I remember just being numb, not able to process what I was seeing. Somehow feeling like it was footage from a Michael Bay film, but knowing that it was incredibly, and horribly real.

I don't think I've ever viewed life the same way again.
What I mean is, I know that I was never the same person again after that day...that September 10, 2001, was the last time I was the carefree moron that viewed the World with such a sense of levity and frivolity.

I remember my only, albeit smallest bit of comfort that day, was the knowledge that I personally didn't know anyone in the Towers.
Or so I thought.

Following my divorce, I learned through the person I was dating that I indeed did know someone who died there that day.
Now, I don't mean to claim that I knew him well at all...just that I knew WHO he was, which is why it took years for me to ever even realize he was gone.
I had ONE interaction with him, but for some reason I always remembered it. Not because it was anything out of the ordinary, but it just stuck with me.

Probably around 1990 or so, I went to a party in the townhouse where the friend of the girl I was now dating lived. Or so I *think*....I'm a little fuzzy on that part....but hey, it was a long time ago...how many specifics about a house party that you went to do YOU remember, junior???

Anyway, at the time I was playing guitar a bit, and this was after "Goodfellas" was released. I was so impressed with the scene that used the outro to "Layla", that I was attempting to learn the guitar part at the time.
When I got into the party, there was no where left to sit, so I ended up sitting on the end of a piano seat, where this other guy was sitting. As I sat there with my back to him, I barely clung to the edge so as to not look like Edith to his Archie, I began to hear the outro from Layla coming from the piano.
It wasn't perfect or anything, but it was really solid, so I turned to him and said "Hey man, I've been trying to get the guitar part down for this....but I kinda suck." I remember he laughed, and we began to talk a bit about music.

His name was David Marc Sullins....but everyone I ever knew called him Marc.
He was a paramedic for Cabrini Medical Center and died trying to save others lives in the South Tower of The World Trade Center.

That was my one and only interaction with him...but like I said, for some reason, I always remembered it.

Upon being told that he perished in the World Trade Center, I recanted this very story to my girlfriend at the time. It was more or less a simple anecdotal note when answering the question "Did you know Marc?"

Months later, when going through old pictures of hers, there was one single photograph from that party.....it was of me, sitting barely on the edge of that piano seat, and Marc Sullins...back to the camera, tapping away at the keys.
What a weird thing.

Now, I'm not trying to attach myself to Marc for your pity, because as I said, I had one interaction with him in my entire life, and the thought of doing so is perverse and appalling to me.
I'm simply conveying my personal remembrance of one person who died that horrendous day, because for years, I simply felt terrible for faces and names that I saw flash across my television screen, but I had no personal attachment to any of them.

But now, I can't think of that day without remembering the outro to Layla.

Marc Sullins Memorial Site

Christmas Is NOT The "N Word", So Stop Treating It That Way

2010-09-09T13:31:00.004-04:00

Yes, I know it's September.
Yes, I AM aware that I'm the guy who says all religions are crazy.
Yes, I know this drum has been beaten to death now.
But will you just bare with me for a minute, this is gonna be short, I swear.

Today, my children have off from school for Rosh Hashanah, which in case you live in a world of pork rinds and Jerry Springer, is a Jewish holiday. In brief, Rosh Hashanah is a time when Jews spend time reflecting on their relationship with God and creation.

Yes, the same God that you may NOT mention during the Pledge Of Allegiance.
What?
Well, I don't know why you can have a day off from school to reflect on him, but you can't say his name....that's what I'm trying to figure out here, along with you.

Many years ago, I remember noticing that the Christmas Concert at the schools, were now called the Holiday Concert, or the Winter Concert. Songs were carefully chosen to reflect aspects of the individual culture's holidays, but to not directly say any of them by name.
I find that fucking ridiculous.
But I also say "fucking", and that would make the people who get upset when they hear "Merry Christmas", go into catatonic shock.

While we're on that....is there ANYONE out there who seriously gets upset when they hear the word Christmas?? I mean, are you telling me that there are people who are truly rocked to their foundation by the acknowledgement of the birth of Christ? Which, by the way, in America, really only means presents and Gingerbread Lattes from Starbucks, these days.
Mmmmm Gingerbread Lattes!!! Triple shot, of course!

Anyway, if you are out there....please send me an email explaining IN DETAIL, exactly why you're such a bitchsissy, at anuddercast@gmail.com.
I look forward to making you cry, and increasing your therapist's workload.
Seriously.
I don't like people like you.
You're all whiny and Nazi like at the same time.
I'll bet you always used to tell the teacher on everybody too, didn't you?

Point is, this goes back to the whole Burlington Coat Mosque thing, it's groups of people trying to control another group's right to believe and express joy about whatever religion they choose, in a Country founded on a belief of not persecuting anyone based on their religion.
See how even handed I am?

So I say this, it's time for all parent's in these school systems to DEMAND the end to this politically correct bullshit. If our children can have off for a religious holiday that is designed to reflect on one's relationship with God, then it can again at least openly speak the name of the day marking the birth of his son.
It's not some dark day of shame that needs to be hidden away.
It's not a member of the Klan.

Christmas is NOT the "N Word"!!
Yamsayin? You feel me, my Christma's?

Into The Future: The Jersey Shore

2010-09-08T17:19:00.011-04:00

I know, you're asking how I went from tackling the political hatred that's running rampant through America right now, to stooping so low as to analyzing personalities on The Jersey Shore...well, because I can do whatever I want here...THAT'S why.

PLUS, I'm being "Pop Culture Topical"!
See, I can be a very hep cat when I want to be.
Wait...doesn't anyone say hep cat anymore?

Eh, who cares?

SO, being someone who shamefully admits that I've been watching the show from Season One, I feel as if I have *kind of* a handle on the people in the house....well, as much as you can with phony "reality" tv.

For instance, I think that Vinnie is smarter than everyone else in the house, and will be more successful than anyone else there....in the long run. What I mean by that is, like the New Kids On The Block, there will be a day when all the hoopla (<---old timey word) surrounding the Guidos and Guidettes is nothing more than trivia question fare, and they will be featured on a "I Love The 10's" thing on VH1...ON WHICH, Michael Ian Black will still be participating...yup, even then. Realistically though, they won't wait until the 20's to air this....more like 2011, when we are actually still IN the 10's, and most of what they are asking us to remember happened last week.

But I digress....
During this recanting of all things cool during the 10's, we will see a commercial break that says "When we come back, we're gonna get into a little "Situation" with some Gym, Tan, and Laundry, when "I Love The 10's" continues!"

See how well I did that?
I mean, when you read it, you actually HEARD the voice of the VH1 voice-over guy, didn't you?
That's why I type things that people read, and you just finished typing:

"2 tired 2 talk. C u 2nite dawg......PEACE!"

But that's neither here nor there.

Point is, during the course of the show, we will find out that Vinnie, unlike the others on the show, wisely invested his cash, and now is working as an investment banker or lawyer. And when asked about his days on The Jersey Shore, he maturely will reflect back with a casual "We were young and crazy. Who isn't crazy when they're young?, but will shy away from behaving in any manner that would make him appear as if he still has urges to "fight the beat" in the clubs.

I think The Situation will end up in a decent position too, maybe not with as stable of a foundation as Vinnie, (whose current financial standing at the time, won't be entirely reflective of his show business days) but being that he stands to pull in $5 Million dollars this year, and doesn't seem like an idiot to me, I think life will be just fine for ole' Mikey The Situation.

As for the rest....

Sammi - Married with kids, to a doctor or something, who was a total geek as of this writing. He hit Sammi up for a date when he met her at a "World Of Wheels" Car Show as she was signing autographs. His timing was impeccable, as this was right around the time she was hitting 30 and felt she was running out of options.

Ronnie - Died of alcohol poisoning four days before the filming of "Return To The Jersey Shore"; a show about the original cast returning to the beach house, five years after Season Three. His last words, as he pounded away to Deadmau5, were "Bro....check me out, Bro!", before falling on his face, never to regain consciousness.

DJ Pauly D - Too old to be a hip club DJ anymore, Pauly D is producing "New Age" meditation music. He converted to Buddhism at 37, after his hair began to fall out, thus forcing him to examine the TRUE meaning of life. "Dude, it's like, if your hair isn't there to put product in, did you ever really, like, have it at all?"

Angelina - Who fuckin' cares? Oh, but she still doesn't understand why everyone hates her.

Snooki - After gaining a SHIT-TON of weight, and doing a brief stint as a "Snack Cake Pornstar" (a new type of porn where large women and men...and women, smash each other with Ho Hos, Ding Dongs, and Chocodiles, and then engage in various sex acts), Snooki goes into a massive depression, which after an extensive time going through peaks and valleys, leads her to become a fitness and self help guru. She has a website where you can pay to download her latest workout video with Tony Horton, entitled "P90Snook".

JWoww - Having come to terms with who she really is, AND having had her breast implants removed, JWoww now reads spoken word poetry at the "Hot Cup Of Va Jay Jay" coffee shop in The Village which is owned by her girlfriend Saja. During "Return To The Jersey Shore", a short haired Jenny surprised everyone by revealing that she was living a lie for years, and now realizes that the source of her hostility, and for lack of a better word, Linebacker-esqe behavior, around the house, was a result of repressed feelings for Sammi. To which, Sammi responded "I ain't gonna clam slap wit choo, BITCH!", and then was subsequently kicked in the vagina by JWoww, whom MTV had to then remove from the house. Confident that the remaining anger is now gone, Jenny stays far away from the Jersey Shore cast, and focuses on her art and poetry.

I'm serious about the last part, by the way.

I think that really may be the case! I mean look how she struts around like she's ready to throw down at the drop of a hat. And have you ever seen a woman whose answer to EVERYTHING is to punch someone in the face, or threaten to punch them in the face...or think about punching them in the face....or draw a picture of punching them in the face?

Whatever.

The "Christian/Patriot" Hate Machine

2010-09-03T20:10:00.006-04:00

Are you noticing what I'm noticing?
This Country, is slowly reverting to a civil rights era atmosphere right before our very eyes. Muslim cab drivers being stabbed for being...well...Muslim. A Mosque site in Murfreesboro, TN being set on fire for being...well...a mosque.
We're returning to a complete "us vs. them" mentality, and it's all being done by groups of people who are claiming they're "Restoring Honor". People who are constantly telling us what the Founding Fathers would think if they saw the state of America today.

Part of what they're saying is probably true.
That's something that I'll say, that they won't ever say regarding people who think differently than they do.
No sir, they'll be the ones to yell "Nazi" at the "other side" for a contradictory point of view.
Thing is, I think everyone has some valid points of view...if you really open your mind, and listen.

But, there's also a lot of crazy out there too....afterall, people pay real money to see Lady Gaga in concert!!

Eh, on to serious matters.....
This is a flyer...one of many, that are currently posted all around Ground Zero in New York City.

Picture from Reddit.com

"The answer to the GROUND ZERO MOSQUE is to know the life transforming love of Jesus Christ"

Is that what's happening here? Love?

When I think of love, I think of kindness, compassion, caring, and selflessness.

When I think of Jesus Christ, I think of tales of the same...."turning the other cheek", even to the point of torture and subsequent death.

Is that what's happening here with these so-called "Christians"?

Let's take a moment to examine the hosts of the services promoted on the flyer, Live Prayer.com, shall we?
THIS, is their front page....

Picture from Reddit.com

So, as we can see, Barack Obama is "God's Enemy", AND apparently the worst Photoshopper in the World, would have you believe that he used to go to Titty Bars with Adolf Hitler on Friday nights for the 1/2 price wings and $1.50 Miller Lite drafts.

Silly me, I thought God's only REAL enemy was Satan, all this time!
Oh, and that's another thing while we're here...the whole Adolf Hitler thing is TOTALLY fucked out at this point.
It literally has no impact anymore.
Congratulations, "Patriots", you have likened so many people to Adolf Hitler, that Hitler's name has no punch anymore. I miss the days when you would say "That motherfucker is like Hitler!!!" and people would gasp at your assertion!!
By the way, Christians and Patriots, when you're downplaying the leader of The Third Reich like this, it's REALLY disrespectful to Jews who endured a little thing called THE HOLOCAUST at his hands.
But that wasn't a big deal, was it?
I mean soon, I'll probably be....oh I don't know...selling shirts that say "I Am Just Like Adolf Hitler Too!", to completely finish off ANY semblance of meaning that his name could still be retaining.

Don't worry, I won't even get into how not a single American President has come close to Hitler-esqe levels of anything, because it would be completely lost on you.
Besides, you aren't really interested in learning anything anyway, are you?
I mean, that would take all the fun out of the name calling thing that you like to do....in the name of Christ of course!

Because all of this...all this bullshit, and hatred, and judgement...THAT is what Christ was ALL about, right?

I remember when Christ used to make stone carvings of Pontius Pilate hanging out with Lucifer at Hooters....that guy had MAD skills with Adobe Carvoshop.
The only thing that sucked about him, was when he would get drunk and CONSTANTLY be going off about "fags". Every minute was "Is that guy a fag? My father HATES him! Let's kick his ass!".
It was REALLY annoying.

Huh?
Whadda ya mean, Christ never did or said shit like that?
Well, I don't understand, YOU do, and you tell me it's in the name of Christianity???

Maybe I need to check my definition of Christianity....

Christianity is a monotheistic religion based on the life and teachings of Jesus Of Nazareth.

Hmm....just as I was thinking, it's based on Jesus' teachings...sooooo if he didn't condone this kind of behavior, and he never did things like what I claimed, why are you acting this way, if you're living your life as he did??

More importantly, why does the "Ground Zero Mosque" need to be "answered"?
Are you in some sort of street gang battle?
A religious war....like a....*GASP*....Jihad?!?!?!?
That can't be...only crazy Muslims engage in things like that.
Why couldn't you have JUST promoted your hour of worship to those who are interested in...well...an hour of worship?
Because that wouldn't have quite enough hate in it, would it?

On April 19, 1995, Timothy McVeigh committed, what was until September 11, 2001, the worst act of terrorism on U.S. soil, when he detonated a bomb at the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City, OK. He was a former U.S. Army Soldier, an Irish Catholic, and a white man.
He killed 168 people and wounded 450 that day.
Many of the dead were children and babies who were located at a day care on the first floor of the building, right near the detonation.

McVeigh issued this statement regarding the loss of life:

"To these people in Oklahoma who have lost a loved one, I'm sorry but it happens every day. You're not the first mother to lose a kid, or the first grandparent to lose a grandson or a granddaughter. It happens every day, somewhere in the world. I'm not going to go into that courtroom, curl into a fetal ball and cry just because the victims want me to do that."

Where were all the "Patriots" then?

I'll tell you where....they were in Tim McVeigh's jail cell: Population - One.
You see, Tim McVeigh did what he did, in the NAME of Patriotism....in the name of a "True America". He felt that the Government's attack on David Koresh's Branch Davidians in Waco, TX, and the Ruby Ridge standoff between the Government and Randy Weaver, were signs of a Government out of control, so he took matters in his own hands.
He wanted to start a revolution that would send America back down the path of what The Founding Fathers intended....to get things back on course again....a sort of "restoring honor" of his own, if you will.

My point in all of this?
My point is, if you aren't careful, the lines can blur quickly, and you can lose sight of what we were all supposed to be about here in America. That YOUR version of the "True America" may not be someone else's. I know mine isn't the same as ole' Timmy's!

It's not about "who has the bigger religious dick".
It's about letting everyone worship the way they please. Freedom from religious persecution!
And it makes no more sense to forbid a mosque from being built blocks away from Ground Zero, than it would to forbid a Catholic Church from being built blocks from the site of the Murrah Building in Oklahoma City.

In every religion, and in every country, there are fringe assholes that will do some REALLY terrible things in the name of what they believe.

There's nothing "honorable" about becoming one of them.
I hope people start realizing that, because it seems things are quickly heading to a bad place.

AnudderCast - Episode TwenT4 - Politikkks In America

2010-08-31T11:59:00.000-04:00

We're back after another short break, and just in time to discuss Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin "restoring honor" to America.
Huh?
HOW DARE YOU suggest that he was just trying to self promote so next year he makes MORE than the 32 million he made last year!

Oh, but before that, we get to Dr. Laura Schlessinger using the "Letter N", and we sort of defend her position...but then talk about her naked pics that surfaced on the net many years ago.

Then some talk about True Blood, and you all love vampires, right?
What about Were-Panthers?

Link to the episode - Episode TwenT4

AnudderCast Episode TwenT3

2010-08-18T17:02:00.000-04:00

Bryan re-introduces himself to the audience….with a new name. Joe thinks “Dating In The Dark” is pointless the way it’s being done now, and has a “better” idea for it. The Jet Blue airlines “stewardess” and his drama.
A look into what’s gone wrong with America’s priorities.
Bryan wants AnudderCast to support illegal immigration. Reality Tv is bullshit, and an examination of America’s desire to watch dysfunctionality. “The Real Housewives” are an extension of “Sex And The City”, and Joe hates them all.
The Juggalos tried to kill Tila Tequila. Joe is at war with AnudderCast because he’s a trailblazer, and then explains what ghosts really are. The three “rock” bands that you will be banned from listening to the podcast if you are a fan of.
True Blood and homosexuality.

Closing Song - Heartkiller by H.I.M.

AnudderCast - Episode TwenT3

Blog Stuff, and AnudderCast Episode TwenT2

2010-08-14T13:07:00.004-04:00

It's been a while since I've posted here....partially because I'm very busy these days, and partially because I spout off whatever I need to say on the podcast that I was axed (<--ebonics to keep things diversified) to do.

It's much easier to just say things than to type them up, you see.

ANYHOO....you can go "Like" the podcast at http://www.facebook.com/anuddercast.
We currently have hundreds of "Likes" (that's sooo fuckin' ghey), and hundreds of subscribers on Podbean too.
Which tells me that there are a lot of REALLY bored people out there, and we seem to find more every day.

On the latest episode, I found a way to offend both of my co-hosts during our discussion about Jesus and 9/11....because they're both overly sensitive sissymarys.
Hmm....I wonder if I can boost subscriptions by starting a war with on air co-hosts?
I mean, a TON of people think waging war with other shows is the way to make people pay attention (mostly because they're a bunch of played out douchebags who have no originality of their own), but NO ONE has ever gone to war with their own show!!!
Genius.

Anyway....link to the latest episode....
http://anuddercast.podbean.com/2010/08/11/anuddercast-episode-twent2/

Oh, and in case you didn't notice, I redesigned the layout....mostly because I have a short attention span and get bored with things quickly, but also because the Summer is winding down (sad face smiley for you queerbots), and I'll probably be posting here more again.

P.S. Bryan and Ron = FaGoTz! LOLOLOLMNOPQRST!!!!

If The Snorlax And The Grimace Had An OffSpring, And It Said "F**k" A Lot

2010-07-01T17:24:00.000-04:00

Um....I *think* this a female, because it refers to itself as "she" at one point.
BUT, my favorite part is when it says "You think I don't look like much?"....no Ju Jitsu PorkGoblin, I think you look like a WHOLE LOT.
Anyway, not only does it not have the sense to NOT hook up I.V.s of buttercream and "ham drippins" to itself while it sleeps, it apparently doesn't have the sense to NOT make videos dressed as some bloated Daniel LaRusso, and claim it knows martial arts.
SO, I'm sharing with you now.

These Kids Today Are Spoiled!!!!

2010-05-22T22:09:00.011-04:00

I was thinking today how different things are for kids, than they were when I was growing up in the 1970s. Specifically, I was thinking about how spoiled they are.
I know, I know, you're saying to yourself, "There you go sounding like an old man!"...but hear me out.

Today, while I was on the computer, my son ALSO wanted to be on the computer.
Did he have to wait his turn?
No.
He simply grabbed my iPad, and jumped on. And if he didn't have that, he could have used the iPod Touch, or my daughter's netbook.

But we didn't even have computers.

Then, while he was playing the Wii, my daughter wanted to also play a game.
Did she have to wait her turn?
No.
She simply reached for her Nintendo DS, and was off for a jaunt in the gaming world too.

We had Atari.
We had to wait our turn.
And our characters in the game were squares. Not in the "not cool" sense of the word square; they were literally a fuckin' geometric shape.

"Adventure" anyone?

Yeah, that's right, bitches....A....FUCKING....SQUARE.
Oh, and see that thing that looks like the letter "Q" with a duck's head on top?
That's a dragon.
YES, I said it's a dragon.

Do you see how hard we had it?
We were being attacked by deformed letters of the alphabet, and we LOVED that shit!
Never once did you hear us say "The graphics on this are kinda weak."
A FUCKIN' Q!!!!

But all this thinking had me remembering "Ms. Harvey".
Who was Mrs. Harvey, you ask?
Oh, you didn't ask?
Well I'm telling you anyway.

Ms. Harvey was a woman who lived across the street from us, on Upland St. in Chester, PA.
To the best of my recollection, she was 128 years old, and had NEVER been married.
I was NOT a fan.

If I close my eyes, I can still feel it all in my bones.
A hot Summer day in Chester, the coolness of the indoors as the window unit air conditioner was cranking away at full blast, and the smell of my Grandmother's Pasta Fagioli in the air.
Everything was PERFECT in the world, as I sat in front of the TV watching my afternoon blast of "Speed Racer", which led into "The Space Giants" on Channel 48 from Philadelphia.
Bliss.

But then, a faint knock comes to the door. My mind, knowing that knock and knowing the punishment I would endure if said knock was answered, begins pleading with the cartoon gods to not let my Grandmother hear the person at the door.
But alas....it never went that way for me.

Ms. Harvey would enter our home like royalty.
There were rules, you see.

First, I was to be presented to Ms. Harvey, at which point I would answer a barrage of questions, usually pertaining to what I learned in school, or whether or not I had spent too much time in front of the television today.
The television, that was now turned off.

You see, that was another rule.
When Ms. Harvey would enter our home, she would immediately say "You know that television isn't to be on when Ms. Harvey is here, Joseph."
And my family....like cult members responding at the behest of their leader, would INSTANTLY hit the power button.
By the way, if you've lived a century, and never landed a man, you don't get to refer to yourself in the third person.
Just sayin'.

But the prelude to all of this was the worst part.
You see, upon my being presented to Ms. Harvey, she would kiss me on the cheek.
Seems harmless, right?
Well you're wrong.
As it were, Ms. Harvey had a considerable amount of "peach fuzz" all over her face that she had been cultivating since The Great Depression, and we had shag carpeting....as dictated by proper 1970's protocol.
When she would plant her wrinkled lips on my cheek...."ZAP!!!!!", I would get to enjoy the biggest static shock ever.
Every.
Fucking.
Time.

I swear, I think that old bird used to come by just to get an electrical fix to keep her ticker going!!!

And then, I had to sit there, and enjoy Ms. Harvey's dissertations about how terrible these times we were living in were, for what seemed an eternity.

I didn't have another TV to go watch, because we only had one.
I didn't have a portable gaming system to fight the letter Q on, because they were the stuff science fiction movies were made of in the late 70's.
I...just...had...to...deal.

So what's my point in all this?
Fuck these kids today.
Fuck Ms. Harvey's electricity.
And Fuck the letter Q, AND the shape known as a square.

I need a drink.

Things Are CRAZY In Thailand

2010-05-17T23:17:00.003-04:00

In case you missed it, there's a shit ton of civil unrest in Thailand between the military and the "Red Shirts". The Red Shirts are demanding that Prime Minister Abhisit Vejjajiva resign immediately, dissolve parliament and call new elections. They say the government is illegitimate, that it came to power by manipulating the courts and forming an alliance with the military, and that it embodies an elite indifference to the plight of the poor.

The following video illustrates exactly how getting tazed here in America, really isn't that big of a deal, and why you should stop being such a whiny bitch about it.

WARNING: GRAPHIC VIDEO, NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART

AnudderCast - Episode 9ine

2010-05-09T11:43:00.004-04:00

Oil can spill….but it doesn’t need to be cleaned up right away. Ron owes Corey Feldman an apology, cuz Ron is a jerk. If you’re gonna be gay…please be famous! Frank DiFazio FTW!!!! Internet “Journalists” and where the law’s reach should end. I got pregnant in 3D, yo! And…..WIMMENS!!!!!!!

Closing Song - “Far” by Coheed And Cambria

The Game Of Let's Pretend (A Retort)

2010-05-05T17:51:00.007-04:00

"This is the hidden truth....the world between the lies."

By now, most of you will have read the tale of the "debate" that has been ongoing between Allison and I, and if you haven't, you can go read it now at the following link....

"Do Women Think This Way?"

It's ok...go ahead, I'll wait until you're done.

Ok, good?

Now, the idea that women don't size up whether they would have sex with a man, is at it's best, intellectually disingenuous, and at it's worst UTTERLY laughable.
OF COURSE YOU DO.

Let me paint a picture for you...

You're in line at Starbucks, and all of a sudden, a ruggedly handsome gentleman strikes up a conversation with you. He's funny...very affable...and you seem to hit it off conversationally.
Before he leaves, he tells you he really enjoyed talking to you, and asks if he could have your number to possibly ask you out for a drink sometime.

Scenario B.....

You're in line at Starbucks, and all of a sudden, a very unattractive gentleman strikes up a conversation with you. He's funny...very affable...and you seem to hit it off conversationally.
Before he leaves, he tells you he really enjoyed talking to you, and asks if he could have your number to possibly ask you out for a drink sometime.

The first guy will probably get your phone number....but the second guy won't.
Why?
Because you decided the minute that you saw "Guy A", that he would be suitable to date you....*if* he pursued you.

BUT, the idea of dating "Guy B" is repulsive to you, so therefore, you don't even want to have drinks with him.
You KNOW you would never allow it to go anywhere, and you also know, that it's his intention to pursue you romantically.

And how did you come to that conclusion?
You came to it by deciding that "Guy A" was "Hot".
And what does it mean to find someone "Hot", class?

It means that you find them attractive, and attraction equals desire, and desire equals want.
It's all part of nature, boys and girls.

See, I am REALLY tired of the games that we have been taught to play, regarding the interactions between men and women.
I have NO time for that silliness.
I'm too old for that shit, people!!!

Let me break this down for you....
Ready??

WOMEN ARE NOT MORE INTELLIGENT, OR MORE SOPHISTICATED THAN MEN.

Oh my God, can you believe what that asshole just said?????? Who does he think he is? We've learned on EVERY situation comedy out there, that the man is a bumbling moron, and the woman keeps everything in line!!! HOW DARE him question that!!

Yes, you heard me correctly.
I don't play that crap, so you can check your "I am woman, hear me roar" bullshit at the door.

If you want to claim that women don't see men out there that they just want to have sex with, I would also like you to enlighten my CLEARLY underdeveloped brain, as to how one night stands happen?
Was that a decision on the behalf of the woman that was "more thought out" than that of the man's?
Oh, I know...these poor helpless little angels were just tricked by the BIG BAD MISTER MAN, right?
Please.

See, under societal guidelines, the man walks away as a hero to other men in a one night stand scenario, AND he just wanted to screw you in the first place.
But the woman is labeled a whore.

"Oh, well why can men, like totally sleep around, and women can't?"

Simple.
Because YOU are being penetrated. YOUR BODY is being entered...ours isn't.
Like an animal, the man is subconsciously "conquering" you.
THAT, is the underlying mechanism that psychologically makes it different from a societal standpoint...but no one wants to say it out loud.
Hell, as we speak, you're saying what a pig I am for typing that, right?

So, who walks out of that one the winner, when he never calls you again?
Were you smarter in that situation?
Your risk to reward ratio was working HIGHLY against you, yet you still did it.

Why?

It's simple, because JUST LIKE MEN, you saw something you desired, and you went for it.
You weren't better or more evolved, you thought with your vagina.

Or do you want to tell me that you believed that it was gonna be happily ever after?

What about women who screw their friend's boyfriends?
Did she carefully weigh out everything, and determine that the fucking scumbag who is willing to have sex with his woman's best friend, was the most viable option for a mate?
OF COURSE SHE DIDN'T!
She just wanted to fuck him.
Period.

Where's the sophistication in that, ladies?

The whole "determining a suitable mate" gimmick is hilarious.
How many times have we seen decent, honest, men, passed over for a "bad boy" type?
And you know the best part about that?
These are guys who have reputations for cheating on EVERY woman they were ever with.
But guess what?
Women....Still....Fuck....Them.

Is that another "intellectual" decision? Were all the pros and cons weighed out?
Of course not.
That shit is about as intellectual as Wile E. Coyote figuring out how he's gonna fuck up the Road Runner with one of those awesome blueprints he was always drawing up....and JUST as laughable.

Now, before you go into the whole "You're angry with women!!!" cop out, let me stop you.
I'm not angry with women, I ADORE me some womens....but, I'm TIRED of this bullshit game where men are the only ones capable of doing things for the wrong reasons.

Women do INCREDIBLY stupid things all the time too.
It's just a fact....deal with it.

For some reason, and I can only assume it's conditioning, women like to pretend certain things.
They like to claim that they want a "sensitive, caring man".
But that's not exactly true, is it ladies?

The truth is, when you actually run across a man like that, you think he's an emasculated douchebag, and you would NEVER consider being with him.
You need a man who presents a challenge....hell, NONE of us wants someone who worships the ground we walk on every three seconds.
BUT, women won't SAY that out loud.
So, they send misinformation to men....they *tell* them one thing....but in actuality, the rules are in opposition to that.
And WHY do women insist on this masquerade?
They don't even know themselves.
THEY.... JUST...DO....IT.

Just like they want to "pretend" that they don't think about fucking a hot guy when they see one.

It's fucking stupid.
Let's just call things for what they are, and stop these silly games.
Men don't believe you're smarter....they aren't falling for it.
Trust me, I talk to them.

Oh, and when you show this to your man, ladies...you know...to point out what a douche I am, and DEMAND his agreement....he may agree with you to your face, but deep down, I'm like a fuckin' Malcolm X to him.
I'm spittin' GOSPEL right now, and he knows it.

Hugs and kisses, wimmens!
xoxoxo

AnudderCast - Episode 8ight

2010-05-01T16:05:00.002-04:00

Yes, I AM aware that I haven't promoted the podcast on a regular basis, but guess what?
I don't really care. See, the way I see it, if you liked it, you subscribed, and if that was the case, you already heard all the episodes between the last time I posted about it and now....right?

SO, here's the link to Episode 8ight at Podbean.

Episode - 8ight

It should also be up shortly at iTunes once the feed goes through.

Are You F**KING Kidding Me, America?!?!?

2010-04-30T17:14:00.004-04:00

You know, EVERYONE involved in this, from the parents, to the instructors, to the cheering crowd, should be shot. Or better yet, save money on bullets, and just padlock the doors, and gas the facility that this is being held in.

Hey, jizzrags....when all of your little angels up there on the stage, have an STD, or are pregnant before they turn 13, don't you DARE blame anyone but your selves.

It really makes you think....what kind of Father would allow his daughter to participate in something like this? Why would he want to see that display from his CHILD?
And let's emphasize that again, because we've clearly become so depraved in this Country, that there are now people who CHEER this kind of thing from......C H I L D R E N.

And then people wonder why religious zealots view us as the source of all evil?

Un F'ING believable.

Kimberly Ann Hoyle - April 17, 1969 - April 23, 2010

2010-04-25T22:48:00.006-04:00

I woke from a nap this afternoon, while down here in Bethany Beach, DE, to find a text message on my phone that really threw me. It asked me if Kim Hoyle had died.

I then checked Facebook (the place where my interactions with Kim had taken place over the last year or so), to see what was going on. It was there that I saw that, in fact, Kim Hoyle had indeed passed away.

In 1985, I sat in the back of Mr. Leung's math class at Concord High School with two other guys, Jackie and Matt. These seats were strategically chosen by us, because in the back, is where all the cool people sat.

YOU wouldn't understand the intricacies of such a brilliantly hip social mechanism. :)

At the very front of our rows, sat Scott, Flora, and Kim Hoyle. I remember this, because on more than one occasion, while being some level of a wiseass, Kim would get up, come to the back, and threaten me with physical abuse. Hey, what do you want from me? I tell you all the time that I was a complete asshole. Besides, I think I would always pass the blame on to Matt or Jackie anyway.

When passing papers to the back, Kim would have to get up and walk to us, because there was a huge gap between us in the back, and Kim and crew up front. Kim would hand the papers to me with a look of disgust, or some *noise* that indicated disgust. It was different than the look of disgust that other girls gave me at the time, because it contained the hint of violence, and I wasn't gonna push the issue!!

Pretend we just hit a virtual fast forward button, and we have arrived in the days of Facebook and lattes. See, Facebook wasn't invented in the 80's, and I think frozen yogurt with granola on top was the latte of the time, but I was never as trendy as you, so I could be wrong.

About a year ago, during one of my MANY babbling sessions about how men are superior to "wimmens" on Facebook, I noticed a friend request. It was from Kim Hoyle, and I thought "Uh Oh!" .

Clearly, I had said something wrong again, and Kim was walking back from the virtual front of the class to let me know I could get hurt!

But that wasn't the case at all.

From that day forward, Kim joined in on the bash sessions....ALWAYS bringing something hilarious to the table. And ok, women may want to stop reading right about now....but here goes....I don't find a lot of women to be...funny. Like female comedians for instance...I don't find them funny. They just don't have the same sense of humor as me, so it all just falls flat.

But not Kim. She was truly hilarious.

She was part of a small group of women that made me laugh consistently. She "got it" somehow, when so many other women don't. I hope she knew that, because sadly, I never told her that the way I said it here today. I said it with "lol" from time to time, because that's how we talk now. But I didn't say it the way I wish I did now.

It's funny how we all change and grow, or how our perceptions of someone, are often not even remotely correct.

Today, while I lament the loss of a friend, I'm thankful for the fact that she became one. While so many times, we hear how our generation spends too much time socializing "virtually", I would suggest that without that, I would never have known the wit of Kim Hoyle. I would have simply remembered the look of disgust from Mr. Leung's class. And I would suspect that the MANY other people who loved interacting with her, and who had a daily smile brought to their face by her would say the same.

Kim Hoyle was a STRONG presence in a world where your words and thoughts are the only tools you have to demonstrate *who you are* to the masses. She had things to say, and she said them with a wit, wisdom, and sense of humor that can only be described as a gift.

You will be missed deeply, sister.

Rest In Peace.

Why Women Get The Short End Of The Stick When Money Grubbing

2010-04-23T14:16:00.006-04:00

The other night, my girlfriend and I were watching "Millionaire Matchmaker".
If you haven't seen it, it's a show where Millionaires claim to want to "settle down", and go to a matchmaking service designed specifically for them and their brethren, to "find love".

Following their consultation with the matchmaker, she rounds up a huge group of money grubbing whores (oh shut up, that's EXACTLY what they are.), and said whores do their best peacocking to land the Millionaire.

To call it a disgusting display of moral bankruptcy is like saying the girl who played "Precious" is *kinda* overweight.

We watched as these men behaved like complete dickbags, yet these "dollar signs in their eyes" holes, giggled and smiled like they met the most charismatic man in the world.

For the record....to me....this is one of the most disgusting characters traits a human being can possess. You are an utterly worthless, vapid sack of shit, if this is your outlook on what's important in a relationship.

Glad we got that out of the way?
So am I.

NOW, all of this of course led up to us discussing what's worse....to be the man who is only looking for a hot woman to be on his arm and not caring about her personality....or to be the woman who just wants $$$$$, and ignores the fact that the guy is either completely unattractive...or a total asshole....or both.

The answer is of course....the woman.
Stop yelling at me....you didn't even let me explain yet!!!!

See, here's the deal:
Men....by nature....are pigs.
They want to bang EVERYTHING, and they don't care how they have to make that happen.
BUT, one of the main things that men know, is that having money, is the backstage pass to the Vaginapalooza.

You see, men know that SO MANY women, will open their legs for them, simply because they have money. They will overlook the way the man behaves....the way he looks....his age....and every other detrimental aspect of their being, as long as they get to have his credit card to go shopping with.
For that $$$$, women will give their most prized possessions...their body and their dignity....to ANY man. She will alter her behavior....she will pretend to like things that she doesn't....she will laugh at things she doesn't find funny....she'll commit sex acts she doesn't enjoy....she'll do WHATEVER IT TAKES to be able to tell her friends where he took her this weekend and what he bought her.

Now, one can make the argument that she's getting what she wants out of the deal, and that he in turn, is compromising himself also, to simply have a hot woman on his arm.
And you would be mostly correct...from a moral standpoint.

But see, there's one small problem with that.
To a filthy rich guy....money doesn't mean anything anymore.
Taking you on a $5,000 Vegas weekend, is the equivalent to me taking a woman to Taco Bell.
It's a throwaway item....it doesn't impact me one way or the other.
AND, he's not looking for anything more than your vagina...and wherever else you'll let him put it in you....and in the other girl he's invited into your bed.
He's not selling his soul to screw you, ladies....but YOU ARE selling yours for his cash.

At some point in time, he'll tire of you.
And when it's all said and done, you start getting older, and no matter how hot you are at *your age*, you aren't as hot as a 23 year old version of you. Things start to change for you....for what you can get with your vagina.

But what changes for him?
Nothing.

He can be 88 years old, and there will still be some vapid whore that will laugh at his cornball ass jokes, and ride his Viagra filled mule, just so she can drive his Mercedes around town.
He never wanted anything more than sex with a hot young girl, and he still has that.
And his money?
Well that was ALWAYS his the whole time....it was never really yours.

But your dignity?
That belongs to him now too.
His money bought and paid for that.
Get it?

The Most Controversial Video You Will See Lately.

2010-04-05T14:00:00.005-04:00

This is a video of a U.S. Apache gunship opening fire on a crowd of Iraqi civilians and two Reuters news service employees in 2007. Wikileaks obtained the video and is now dispensing it through the internet. The soldiers in the Apache are claiming to see weapons, but it seems that it's camera bags and a telephoto lens.

If I have to tell you that this is going to be EVERYWHERE over the next couple days, I would probably have to explain to you that fire burns too.

What a shitty situation for everyone involved.
I can see how the constant threat of death can make you quick to pull a trigger....but what do you do when you kill people who meant you no harm?

Anna Paquin Is Bisexual

2010-04-02T10:13:00.003-04:00

And somehow....I just don't seem to care.
Is it just me, or are the days of "OMG (Fill In The Blank) is GAY!!!!" just kinda over?

I mean, the other day, I seriously watched people be SHOCKED that Ricky Martin was gay.
Seriously?

Let me help you out, America.....if a man enjoys gyrating his hips around in extremely tight designer dress pants....he's more than likely gay.
Why?
Because MEN don't do shit like that.
Oh, fuck you!
That's right, I'm taking it back to the old school....MEN....REAL MEN....don't act like that.
Real men are jerks, and they're content to be jerks.
They have no desire to learn the latest "hot dance moves".

And here's a tip for you women....when you see a guy out on the dance floor that has NO IDEA what he's doing....he's a MAN.
Dumb like a fuckin' dog chasing a ball....he's out there embarrassing the shit out of himself in hopes that you'll give him a "treat" at the end of it.
Hell, some of these guys are so pathetic, that you can almost see them panting and awaiting approval.

SO, we've learned today that people are sometimes gay, and that you'll be ok if they are, and that men are dumb like dogs.

SEE?

The following video is for Cyndi Lauper's "Give A Damn" Campaign, which I personally think is a really shitty name for an organization...BUT, it's for a good cause, so I'll leave it alone.
It's an organization she started to protect the rights of gays, lesbians, and transgendered people.

Oh stop it, it's ok to let everyone else on the planet live life the way that makes them the most happy....trust me, you'll be amazed at how easy it is to do if you just mellow out a bit.

Although, Kim Kardashian likes to be pissed on, and I find that REALLY jacked up.
So maybe I'm a hypocrite.
I think Cyndi needs to get Kim out of the video, because I have a hard time taking the opinion of someone who allows another person to urinate on them, seriously, and I think they smell like pee the whole time they're talking.

http://www.wegiveadamn.org

Hollywood Sucks....Again.

2010-04-01T13:37:00.004-04:00

Just go ahead and stare at that for a bit.
Remember when you were a kid, and you would watch that while eating a Fluffernutter sandwich? (Well YOU did, I always thought that shit was nasty)
Just look at it for a while.
I'll wait.

Synopsis from IMDB:

Jellystone Park has been losing business, so greedy Mayor Brown decides to shut it down and sell the land. That means families will no longer be able to experience the natural beauty of the outdoors -- and, even worse, Yogi and Boo Boo will be tossed out of the only home they've ever known. Faced with his biggest challenge ever, Yogi must prove that he really is "smarter than the average bear" as he and Boo Boo join forces with their old nemesis Ranger Smith to find a way to save Jellystone Park from closing forever.

Wow.
So this is where we are now?
Now we'll be taking Hanna Barbera shorts and turning them into full length films?
Can't wait for Hong Kong Phooey!!!

Oh, and if the suck level wasn't bad enough, Dan Aykroyd is voicing Yogi, and...ready for this....Justin Timberlake is Boo-Boo.....SO, we can FULLY expect an R&B musical number, complete with Yogi doing a rap at the bridge.
I'm picturing all the woodland creatures in a choreographed number, and Ranger Smith fighting the urge to "get down", but finally giving in and maybe doing the "Cabbage Patch" or something.
OOOOHHHH THE HILARITY...........L......O.......MOTHER F'ING.......L!!!!!!!!

Fuck you, Hollywood.
Seriously.

"FK YOU, AAAAND YOUR CHEESEBURGER, MOTHERFKER!!!"

2010-03-31T17:36:00.002-04:00

Ah, drunken late nights, at fast food restaurants!
Is there anything more interesting?
What job should pay more, really?

In the following video, we see the North American Douchehound in it's natural habitat, during one of it's feeding sessions. It makes many attempts to establish itself as the Alpha Male to the rest of the pack, only to be disgraced by what it believes to be a weaker opponent.
See: Beard Man, Epic.

Anudder Cast: Episode 4our

2010-03-25T22:16:00.003-04:00

It's from last week, but I've been busy.....More on the death of Corey Haim, Sony signs Michael Jackson to the biggest recording contract in history…yes, the DEAD Michael Jackson, Gilligan’s Island is coming to a theater near you, Women have designer vaginas, Delaware Metal Band “Solitude” reunite for one night on April 17th 2010.

Closing song “Twisted” by Solitude

Episode 4our at Podbean

Solitude Reunion

2010-03-22T21:43:00.003-04:00

If you're in the Delaware, Maryland, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Kabul, and Tehran areas, you won't want to miss this.

I'm Back From The Beach....

2010-03-21T22:07:00.005-04:00

I had a VERY relaxing and pleasant weekend in the Bethany Beach/Rehoboth Beach, Delaware area this weekend. But, being the asshole that I am, I took some time to notice a few things that I think I should point out to you, because I'm a pal and all.

1.) As I told you in my previous update, people are morons. They get SO overly excited with themselves the moment that the weather hits 70 degrees. There were a gaggle (see, I used the word gaggle, because they all reminded me of silly geese, and GAGGLE, is the word for a large amount of geese. You wouldn't understand a word like that because it's outside of your lexicon. So is "lexicon" for that matter, so we should probably just quit while I'm ahead.).....where was I....oh yeah, there were a gaggle of people walking around in swimsuits and laying on the beach, because it was 70 degrees.
Hey, doucherockets, LAST weekend they held the "Polar Bear Plunge" on the very same beach that you are currently pretending you are sunning on the French Riviera on.
Let that marinate for a bit.

2.) If you wake up and begin drinking Margaritas at 10:30am, you, while becoming awesome, also run out of gas around 6pm.
Oh whatever, I'm almost 40, you assclown....I'm not out power drinking and trying to prove something to you and your frat brothers.
P.S. Dave Matthews is a cockrag....put that in your "Rusty Rudder Beer Bong" and chug it down.

Wait....is he even cool anymore?
Fuck, I suck at this.

3.) When they tear down a building on Rehoboth Avenue, you can see the remains of the original buildings that have been embedded within the walls of newer buildings for probably close to a hundred years....
See?

To tie this visual into something Rehoboth Beach, DE related....it looks like the house after Dorothy lands in Oz, but the film hasn't fully transitioned to Technicolor yet.

Judy Garland.
Over the Rainbow.
Rehoboth.
Get it?

For the record, the above picture was once an alleyway where Phineas Cobblebottom performed the first act of sodomy on Wallace Giles Featherloafer in Rehoboth Beach in 1892.
Right afterward they opened a restaurant and began making ridiculously delicious culinary fare, and thus set the course for the vacation destination that has led up until current day.

Ok, maybe none of that is true, but it sounds good, and no one can argue that the restaurants in Rehoboth are awesome, so take your homophobia and do what Phineas did to Wallace with it.

Oh.....OH....and while I was in one of my Margarita induced stupors, I saw a preview for a new Kirstie Alley vehicle coming to A&E....I don't remember what it was called, so let's just call it "Fat Again".

*PAUSE*

Ok, holy shit....after I typed what I just typed, I decided to go to YouTube to see if I could find the trailer, and there was a Flash based Kirstie throwing her fat around to knock pretend videos out of the way.
Can we PLEASE stop with the "Fat Kirstie" stuff?
I mean, this has BECOME her career....and that shouldn't be acceptable to anyone.
How many times now have we seen Kirstie become "fat and sassy", then lose weight....then become fat again??
And can you PLEASE not mention wanting a "booty call" when you look like John Candy in drag?

Oh and anudder ting, and it's 2010...motherfuckers have been born, and graduated High School since "In Living Color" was hip, so can you stop saying "Booty Call"?
Should people who don't like it "Step Off" too?

Anyway...here's some sort of preview to the trainwreck.

Look, I'm sure Kirstie is a nice person....but ENOUGH already.

Eh....whatever with all that.
Let's end with something funny.
Deal?

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis: Ben Stiller from Between Two Ferns

At The Beach

2010-03-20T19:32:00.000-04:00

There are a million people down here in the Bethany\Rehoboth area, and just as a tip people...just because it's 70 degrees, it doesn't mean it's Summer...so enough with walking around in the swimsuits.

Doucherockets.

Anyone Need A Babysitter?

2010-03-19T18:29:00.002-04:00

Apparently this woman comes highly recommended.

Nanny Cam video

There's a reason that she just hasn't been killed, but I don't know what it is.

Are Old People Happy?

2010-03-15T00:56:00.005-04:00

I decided that I would return to my old stomping grounds yesterday, and take my kids to breakfast/lunch at a restaurant that I was frequently brought to as a child; "Tom Jones" in Brookhaven, PA.

For the record, I had a breakfast of two eggs, two pancakes, two strips of bacon, two sausage patties, toast, a cup of coffee, and a juice of $3.79!!
The 1970's prices matched the 1970's decor...even down to the latch hook landscape that STILL adorns the wall!!
(Seriously....you cats need to chill with that.)

But, the cheap breakfast isn't why I'm telling you all of this today.
As I sat there taking in all the outdated tan paneling and orange vinyl seating, I noticed an elderly couple sitting across from me.

The gentleman had on a "Potsie Webber" type of sweater and an incredibly bad toupee. It was the kind that makes you wonder why anyone would even go to all the hassle, and ESPECIALLY at his age. This guy had to be pushing 90, and I can't imagine anyone would blame him for being bald at that point, but I guess a cat has to feel like he's still holding down no matter what the age, right?

I watched as their food arrived. Each began with a side order of coleslaw, and neither commented on whether they enjoyed it or not....they just methodically began eating it in silence.
This told me that I was watching a Sunday ritual of sorts.
Next, they were each brought a bowl of what appeared to be Beef Barley soup.
Again, there was no banter between them....they just sipped their soup in an almost robotic fashion.
What struck me, was the difficulty in which the woman raised the spoon to her mouth.
Her hand was trembling greatly, yet the man took no particular care to notice. Instead, he just continued at his own bowl in his slow, methodical fashion.
Obviously, this was part of their life now too.

I continued to watch them, and not once did I notice a single utterance of conversation.
They simply did what they seemingly always do, every Sunday of their lives, in Brookhaven, PA.

It was then that I began to wonder.
Are these people happy?
Was a witnessing an ultimate sense of contentment?
Or an incredible sense of defeat and acceptance thereof?

Were these people so in tune with one another, that they don't even need to speak anymore, or do they simply have nothing to say because it's either all been said now, or they simply don't enjoy each others company anymore?

And what of the latter?
What DOES one do, when they are coming into the home stretch of their time here, and they've outlived all of their friends?
Do you then just stay with the person you are with out of convenience even though you KNOW that you don't want to be with them anymore?

OR, do you truly reach a place where you don't need to speak anymore, because you have some sort of synergy with your partner?
A partnership so divine that you exist in an almost Utopian sense of bliss.

Does the woman think that he looks great in his "Potsie Webber" sweater, or is she sitting there thinking "WHEN is he gonna stop gluing that ridiculous piece of fur to the top of his head?"?

We all like to think it's the more pleasant of the choices, right?

When I see people of that age, I can't help but think of their history.
Who WERE they?
Were they the "cool" people on the scene back in their day?
Was she the hottest thing going, and did she ever imagine then that she would have a hard time raising a spoon to her mouth one day?
What kind of guy was he? Was he the type of cat that lit up a room when he walked in, because the party didn't start until HE arrived?
When they came together, were they THEE couple?

If the answers are "yes", is THAT what they sit and think about in silence as they sip their soup?
And is that distressing, or comforting as they look back?

Or, are they just enjoying their soup, and a creepy guy at the next table is thinking WAY too much about them.

I don't want to get that old.
And I'll NEVER wear a Potsie Webber sweater!!

Anudder Cast: Episode 3hree

2010-03-14T03:22:00.002-04:00

I need a new microphone....cuz problems...but....

The death of Corey Haim…Eric Massa wants to touch your junk, but not in a gay way…..The poor Hispanics in Delaware want you to give them Goya products when you donate food, you insensitive tools….and more.

Closing song “Sweet Jesus” from Zakk Wylde’s Pride & Glory

Click Me For Episode 3hree

Trust Your Pal Joe....Learn To Appreciate The Simple Times

2010-03-10T22:47:00.004-05:00

I remember when my son was born....my car was being worked on for a transmission problem, so I had to use my parent's Lincoln Town Car to take my now ex-wife and son home on a wintery day in December of 1997.

But more specifically for the purposes of this story, I remember the day after.
I returned to work, and the customer said "So...what did you have?".
I responded "A boy.".
He said "Enjoy every minute while he's young....you'll be handing him the keys to the car before you know it."

I laughed, thinking that he was crazy.
In less than four years, I will be handing my son the keys to the car.
And it all seems like the blink of an eye.

I often tell friends with young children now the same thing that man told me back on that December day in 1997. And they laugh the same way I did, as they recount the latest anecdote of terror that their child has unleashed upon them.

The circle of life and all that, I suppose.

Yesterday, my daughter, who was born two years after my son, text me (yes...we're texting) with something that I found alarming enough for me to immediately call her, but ultimately was nothing more than a pre-teen girl, drama queen moment.

You see, my daughter believed that "the entire school pretty much hates me."
I mean, not me...her.
And yes, the ENTIRE school.

I began to explain to her that in order for the entire school to hate her, she would have to be quite an overachiever in jerkattude. That was a new word, in case you feel like you haven't heard it before. I bring shit like that to the table from time to time, to illustrate how cool I am.

Where was I?
Oh yeah, so I was explaining to her that I really doubted that the ENTIRE school hated her, and that she was more than likely over-reacting to the words of ONE person who probably was less than thrilled with her at the moment. I mean, I doubt even Adolf Hitler's ENTIRE school hated him...or Charles Manson's for that matter.
Hell, MY entire school didn't hate me, and I'm quite proficient at being an asshole.

But this all got me to thinking....
I really hope that those of you whom I know...or don't know...that have young children at the moment, stop to appreciate the simplicity of your lives right now.
At least as far as that stuff goes.

I remember when I would come home from work back then.
My daughter, usually in her pajamas with the feet, and bottle tilted upward so as to get the proper flow, would eject said bottle with such force that the nipple would make a popping sound, and she would exclaim "DOE!!!", before running to me so I could pick her up.
(My children have ALWAYS called me by my first name, and as you can tell, she couldn't exactly pronounce it properly at the time....unless you thought my name WAS "Doe", in which case you are THE DUMB.)

From that point, we would head to the Family Room, and usually put on an episode of "Oswald" to end the night. Oswald was a blue octopus and his best friend was an obsessive compulsive penguin named Henry. My son and daughter would fall asleep to the adventures of these two and their friends.

Never once did my daughter believe that Oswald and ALL of his friends hated her.
And more importantly, I never had to convince her of anything to the contrary.
Oswald and all his crew would always be waiting for her again the next day, and all was right in the world.

SO what's my point?

My point is that while your children may be driving you crazy today, you are in the easy phase right now. No one is hurting their feelings....no one outside of your home has any effect on them.
YOU...and their toys...and favorite shows, ARE their world.
It's as simple as that.

I never thought I would look back on that stupid blue octopus with such fondness, and I never thought it would already be SO long ago, but it all does move as quickly as that guy on the December day in 1997 told me....and you REALLY DO need to enjoy it while it lasts.

So take a moment to remember that from time to time.

Anudder Cast: Retroblast

2010-02-28T12:05:00.002-05:00

The weekend supplemental of the podcast is up.
"Retroblast" is a half hour episode which covers things from our youth that we loved...or maybe thought was ridiculous.
This week is all about Looney Tunes voice master, Mel Blanc.....well, and Hawk from Buck Rogers....and um....The White Shadow.
Ok, so we get sidetracked sometimes.

Anudder Cast: Retroblast Link

Anudder Cast - Episode Two

2010-02-24T01:36:00.005-05:00

Episode Two is now up....some minor technical difficulty, but whatever.

The Vatican wants you to know what the best albums of all time are.

The Epic Beard Man beat down Lamar from “Revenge Of The Nerds”?.

Kevin Smith: Attention Whore?

Oh Boner, Where Art Thou?

Johnny Cash - Ain’t No Grave

Click below to listen
Anudder Cast - Episode Two

Why Kevin Smith Sucks

2010-02-21T21:38:00.013-05:00

For quite a while now, I've been a fan of Kevin Smith's. I find him to be a terribly interesting guy. He's a prolific writer, great story teller and his podcast -- Smodcast has kept me company on many of my long drives. I liked most of his movies, very much so...and fan or not, nobody can deny the Clerks phenomenon. I genuinely like the guy, and that's why I'm just so ecchhh here with him and this story with Southwest Airlines.

To make it quick, Kevin Smith was pulled off a flight because someone, it's really not clear who, thought he was too fat to fly. Kevin got all jerked off about it, and has been twittering, blogging, podcasting, and he's basically out Paul Revere-ing that he wants Southwest to go down for this incredible and immense injustice. Oh, and by the way, he was offered an apology and a $100 voucher, but this wasn't good enough for him. He wants some one's head, or at least some one's job over it.

But it's all bullshit.

I listened to the two latest hours of the podcasts, that he completely devoted to the incident. Mr. Smith is claiming that he's not doing this for him anymore, he's doing it for all fat people, especially the "stout" woman, Natalie, who sat next to him on his next flight. She apparently was pulled out for the same reason, but returned to the flight. Crap. He twittered about it for hours before he caught the first sight of Natalie.

I dig, it was embarrassing. Extremely embarrassing. It's probably the worst nightmare of most anyone finishing off their 4-piece chicken & biscuit at your local KFC. And I also get it, it sucks being fat. But, I don't buy, for a second, that he's being all noble and standing up for the little guy...er uhm...fat guy. It's fake outrage, pure bullshit.

Case in point -- Sarah Palin's latest nonsensical battle, with Seth MacFarlane. One of the recent Family Guy episodes featured a character with down's syndrome. While out on a date the character refers to herself as the daughter of the former governor of Alaska. Oh my. Dig, out of all the people and groups and stereotypes that MacFarlane has gone after over the years, in all honesty, this seems like one of the tamest. But no, Sarah Palin didn't care to comment on any of Family Guy's other offenses, only when it hit a little close to home. 'Whoa, now you've gone too far buster'. Get real here.

In her book, Palin claims to have a bumper sticker on her car that says "My kid has more chromosomes than yours" -- which really has the same, or even a lesser level of political correctness than the Family Guy bit. Let's face it, former Governor Palin last story was a little bit embarrassing; she wanted the bounce-back to come with a bit of sympathy, to show her softer side. But, we all remember, she's self-proclaimed pit-bull with lipstick. And of course, it was just another reason to get a sound bite out there, and a reason to visit with Bill O'Riley. Maybe at the next TEA Party meetng, she'll have fuck Seth MacFarlane written on her hand, then cross out fuck and have fudge written over it.

Re-enter the Kevin Smith story -- It's fake outrage. Just Crap. He's not doing this for fat people everywhere. He's not the Rosa Parks of the airlines. I don't know what movie he may have coming out, but there's got to be a better way to promote it. And if I'm wrong about my whole take on this story, so be it. But as I see it, the other side of that coin is even worse -- that he's making this big of a stink over being inconvenienced for just a couple of hours, as he got to fly out on the next flight. If I was his high school football coach, I'd tap a fist on his chin and say, "Now buck up, champ. You're better than this...now go hit the treadmill"

Kevin Smith claims to have a platform, and that he does. But with this platform, with his multitude of twitter and blog followers, this is the big fight he wants to stand up for?!? Like I said, I understand it sucks to be fat...it sucks that down's syndrome is a reality in this world...but it also really sucks to be a dead Iranian protester, or a victim of the many mass genocides that happen around the world, or simply just to be a citizen of Haiti. Do you see some of the really fucked up shit that goes on in this world? And this is the big issue that Kevin Smith wants to stand up for? Bullshit.

Peace.

Malcolm X - 1925 - 1965

2010-02-21T17:53:00.003-05:00

Today in 1965, Malcolm X was shot and killed while speaking in New York.
He was 39 years old at the time of his death....the same age I am now.
The clip I'm about to include is one that I always found very interesting. In it, Malcolm discusses the fact that the Nation Of Islam had been threatening to kill him, yet somehow, even in the face of what could be, and would be impending doom, he still finds a way to smile about the circumstances.

That's not something I think I could deal with so easily at 39.

Iyanna Washington Wants To Set You Straight!

2010-02-18T00:28:00.005-05:00

Remember the video I posted yesterday with Epic Beard Man kicking the SHIT out of some loud talkin' jackass on a bus?
Well, the woman who filmed the whole thing, wants to set you straight about some of the things you've been saying about her because of "gossip", and by "gossip", she means the things you SEE and HEAR her doing on the video that SHE uploaded to YouTube.

Here she is now, so let's all just sit back and see how wrong we were about her....

Wow, I feel so ashamed now.
See, I was totally thinking that in the first video, when she yelled "Say it again, Pinky!" and "Beat his white ass!" at the 1:13 and 1:18 marks respectively, that she was a racist pig who was instigating a situation in which a 67 year old man was to be assaulted.
What an asshole I am!

And then again, I thought she was a thieving whore when she laughingly says "Go through that shit!" at the 2:28 mark, after SHE steals the Epic Beard Man's bag and brings it back to where she and "Bring da ambalamps" were sitting. But she apparently was just trying to recover his belongings for him for when the proper authorities took over.
Silly me!

You know, there's an old saying that I'm reminded of when I see people like this....

"If you were a little bit smarter, you'd be able to understand how stupid you are."

I think ole' Iyanna Washington needs to post that on her bathroom mirror so it's the first thing she sees every morning when she wakes up, because if she thinks her pathetic attempt at damage control is fooling ANYONE, she's a colossal moron.
Furthermore the whole "comin' from where I'm from...it's real...this is real stuff." crutch....yeah, that shit was played out last decade.
Continuing to excuse ridiculous thuggish behavior because of where you're "from", will only perpetuate the crazy bullshit...and YOU, Iyanna, are a part of the problem, not a victim of circumstances happening around you. If more people "where you're from" would discourage things like what happened on that bus, instead of egging it on as you did, Iyanna, maybe it wouldn't be the "real stuff" that goes on so much anymore.

But that concept is clearly too much for you to understand.
After all...at the 2:41 mark of the first video, you laughingly say "Hey, we can press charges, blood...I got it on video.", after you instigated an assault that's foundation was racially charged....captured "Blood" taking the first swing at the bearded man forcing him to defend himself after he already went to the front of the bus to avoid a physical confrontation....and then YOU STEALING his belongings.

See how it all played out to someone who has the ability to see things logically?
But you probably still don't get it.
Because you're stupid.

"He Leakin'!!!"

2010-02-16T17:49:00.003-05:00

This is why you should act normally on the bus.
Well, this, and because it would be just cool for the people who have to ride the bus, that AREN'T complete fucking jackasses, to not have to deal with idiocy when they already know that people who are looking up at them from their cars are thinking that they're tools for having to ride the bus in the first place.

Did I ever tell you about the time I saved a bus driver's job at Disney World, because a fat woman was trying to stage an injury, so I gave an affidavit as to what I saw her doing and saying?
No?
Well I'm not going to now either.

Anyway, poor JaRule....first he gets punked by Fiddy.....now he gets handled by Uncle Jesse from the Dukes Of Hazzard.
Street Cred = 0.

Al Jazeera Delivers Terrible Footage From Nigeria

2010-02-09T15:37:00.003-05:00

WARNING: Contains footage of murder.

Anudder Cast

2010-02-09T12:33:00.002-05:00

We decided to do a podcast like everyone else in the World.
It's basically gonna revolve around things here at the blog, and in the Delaware/Philadelphia region.
Listen to it...or not.

Here's the link for you to subscribe at iTunes.
Anudder Cast on iTunes

Here's the link to Podbean.
Anudder Cast at Podbean

NBC Hookin' A Brotha Up!!!

2010-02-08T09:59:00.007-05:00

I love when White America does something for the "Black Folk".
It always turns out so well.

This picture was taken by Questlove, the drummer from The Roots, and was posted to his Twitter page, after he apparently saw it posted in NBC's Commissary.

No word yet on whether the "160z Fountain Soda" was only being offered in "Grape" and "Tahitian Treat" flavors by NBC, but I think it's a safe bet.

I'm not saying NBC is racist, I'm just saying that the show "30 Rock" clearly never was meant to be a comedy, as much as it was meant to be a dramatic re-enactment of day to day events of embarrassing levels of idiocy.

Now, if I could ask all my Black readers to leave, I need to have a word with my White people for a second.

Thanks.

Ok....White people....can you chill the FUCK OUT?!?!?
This level of stupidity is beyond staggering.
Are there people still out there that are SO cracker ass white, that they thought this would be a
"nice treat for the coloreds"?
That HAD to be the thought process behind this, right???

Look....here's an idea....just do NOTHING.
Just serve a regular menu, and go about your business. No one needs their lunch to reflect a month or a holiday, and they CERTAINLY don't need it to do so in some jacked up Plantation Era way.

It's like when you douchebags dye everything green on St. Patrick's Day....I'm Irish....it's doesn't make me feel more acknowledged.
Seriously...I mean it....you can stop.

Cuz FUCK the Shamrock Shake!!!!

Ok...you may now return to your regularly scheduled whiteness.

Shake Weight - Lose Weight...Learn To Earn Rent.

2010-02-06T15:30:00.004-05:00

I love when there's an infomercial device that is so ridiculous, that it almost seems like a skit on Saturday Night Live.

Well, ladies....I give you "Shake Weight"!
You can lose those flabby upper arms, while simultaneously improving your technique of....um....manual release.
SO, you are now doubly more attractive to your man!!
See?
A winner is YOU!

As a side note, if any of the women I know would like to send me videos of themselves using the "Shake Weight".....topless.....it would be greatly appreciated.

Ian Stafford: Playboy

2010-02-06T12:38:00.003-05:00

This is Ian Stafford.
He was the Mayor of Preesall in Lancashire, U.K.
He was just convicted and sentenced to prison for two years for breaking into women's homes, masturbating into their underwear, and then placing them back in their drawers.

Who'da thunk it from looking at him?
Can't a motherfucker have a hobby without everyone busting his balls??

In all seriousness, Ian just REALLY fucked up the whole "you can't judge a book by it's cover" bullshit, because YES, you can.

Ian looks JUST LIKE someone who would do something like that.
So for all you fellas who are the anamoly when it comes to stuff like this....who look like a car accident, but act like a decent human being....thank Ian for just setting you back a couple decades.

I Hate Ghost Shows.....The Ghost Antagonizer Is Born!

2010-01-30T14:22:00.005-05:00

Are you one of the people that watch those bullshit ghost shows, and think it's legit?
I'll bet you think Jerry Springer isn't a work either, right?

Ghost Hunters, Ghost Adventures, Paranormal State, Ghost Hunters International, Paranormal Cops, Paranormal Hookers, Paranormal Ghost Hunting Ghosts In International States of Alcoholism.....whatever.
It's all shit for dunderheaded jackasses.

Ok, let's break this down....
Every location starts off with people detailing what encounters they've had, and those usually include an actual sighting of a "dark male figure" or "a woman in a (insert color) dress", OR they hear a child laughing or whatever else sounds creepy to the viewer.
Sometimes, we are even treated to tales of physical assault, accompanied by pictures of red marks on the storyteller's back, etc...etc.

Then, in comes the ghost hunting crew of what ever particular show you're watching.
They set up cameras everywhere....they have their little "EMF" readers.....their nightvision bullshit...the whole nine yards, right?
But what do they ever "capture"?
Some thuds?
Creaks?

Then we're treated to the audio of a "disembodied voice" being "enhanced and magnified", and during playback of said audio, we are TOLD what the "voice" said. These moments are my favorite, because something that audibly sounds like "Grafenuble garp thud" will be recanted by the "ghost hunter" as "It said that my mother is so black, shes sweats coffee!...How did it know my mother was black??? It's clearly a demon from the other side!"
And then YOU the viewer, sit there saying "Oh my Lord, how DID it know his mother was black?", as you funnel down cheeseballs into your gullet, because your diet REALLY leaves something to be desired.

Dummy.

The other thing I find amazing about these shows, is the moments where they claim to see a figure moving in the dark. Yet somehow, with ALL the cameras they have set up, not ONE of these teams has been able to document ANYTHING tangible.
Why?
BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING THERE!
The camera's conveniently aren't recording where the "figure" is seen. Everywhere else they are, just not where they needed to be.
It's all BULL....SHIT.

So I have decided, that from this day forward, I am The Ghost Antagonizer!
I will go ANYWHERE these tools have gone, and dare the ghosts to kill me!

If the place is haunted by Hitler....I'll throw a Jewish Singles Dance Party!

Was the ghost a racist?
Welcome to the first "White Chicks And Black Dicks" Pornographic Film Festival!
Well, it probably won't be the first, because some of you are creeps....but it will be the first ever done to specifically antagonize a racist ghost.

Point is, if a ghost is there....I WILL make it come out!!
Besides, I am WAY cooler than that toolshed Zak Bagans on Ghost Adventures!
Where's my contract, shitty cable channels?

Martin Luther King Jr.

2010-01-18T11:40:00.003-05:00

I'm just gonna leave you with my personal favorite speech.
Many others today, will reflect on the "I Have A Dream" speech from the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, but that's not MY favorite, and this place belongs to me.

This speech is the last one he did before he was assassinated. Why I find it so amazing, is the sense of finality that he conveys through his words. It's as if he somehow knows that his time is short, and that he accepts it, but wants everyone to know that great strides had been made, and that more obstacles lie ahead....but that everyone needed to remember that it CAN be done.

I still hear a lot of people, white specifically, make off handed comments about this day not being a "real holiday"...but I see things this way.....
When it's all said and done, and the final chapter on the human race is written, Martin Luther King Jr., will have been a pivotal figure in the advancement of our race.
He will be remembered for....all....time.

No one will remember you telling your "What do you call a black doctor?" joke.
Get it?

But Pat Says They Deserved It

2010-01-17T00:56:00.000-05:00

The Mall Troll, Giant Rabbits And The Rest Of My Day.

2010-01-16T16:57:00.013-05:00

I decided that I would head out today with my kids, and go to the MacDade Mall.
I had heard that the sets from The Lovely Bones were still up inside the mall, and I was gonna try to grab some pictures.
However, when we arrived there, we found that the only entrance to the mall was through the anchor store, Kmart.
BUT, as we approached the actual mall, we noticed that all the lights were out, and that as far as we could tell, there was nothing left from the filming of the movie.
All of a sudden, a man began yelling from out of the darkness....
"MALL'S CLOSED!!!! BEEN CLOSED FOR FIVE SEASONS NOW!!!! DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU'VE BEEN!!!!"

The first thing that came to mind is, WHY is this dude just hanging out in a dark abandoned mall all by himself?
Secondly, who the fuck keeps time by seasons?!?!?!?
I'll bet he says shit like "I haven't seen you in a fortnight!"

The Mall Troll was a douche.

SO, I then took my kids through Media, PA, where we stopped in "I ♥ Pets".
Here are a couple of the pets that were available for your personal ♥ing today:

This first one is called a Papillion I believe....it looked like Gizmo from Gremlins to me.

Next was two of what are known as "Flemish Giant Rabbits".
The things were HUGE, and the sign said that they can get "double or triple the size".
WTF?
Who wants a creepy as giant rabbit rolling around your house at night.
I don't need no Donnie Darko level shit going down.
I do NOT ♥ this pet.

With our desire to still see a once populated Mall that was now abandoned, we decided to check out The Tri State Mall back in Wilmington.
This place always bums me out, because I do have *some* fond memories of the place.

Let's start with the ruins of The Merry House...

This was a bar that was once located inside the Tri State Mall.
Now, of course back in the early 80's, I had no use for the actual bar aspect of the place, but I DID have use for the Donkey Kong machine that sat just on the other side of those doors. Further back in a tiny room to the right, were even more video games, in what was some sort of dark and creepy arcade.
Like almost everything else in the Tri State Mall, it's empty now.

NEXT, is the ruins of the former "Eric 4 Tri State"....

This was the site of MANY "Sunday Night At The Movies" outings.
In the early 90's, after our weekends of drinking ourselves into oblivion, we would officially end the weekend by going to a movie on Sunday Nights.
The last film I can recall seeing there was "Misery"....and speaking OF misery, I remember a time when as the previews were rolling, a groups of brothers were talking at the screen as often happens....oh and don't give me any stereotyping bullshit....even brothers know they do that shit!
SO, there was a white couple sitting two rows behind them.
All of a sudden, the white girl says "Will you shut the fuck up!".
Yup.
At that moment, the talking stopped, and the most gigantic brother I have ever seen, stood up...turned around....and in some insane way that almost made it appear he hunched over BOTH rows to point directly in her face, he yelled "BITCH, I'LL KILL YOU!!!"
There was then a quiet hush, you know....one of the moments where it seems like time is standing still?
He then looked at her boyfriend and said...."We'll see YOU after the movie, homie!".

The couple are probably STILL wondering how the movie ended, because they ducked out while the brothers were busy following the story, and it's probably not something they wanted to rent, because it would cause flashbacks.

NEVER date a loud mouthed hooker, children!

On my journey back to my place, I encountered Dickbag McAssmotron.....

You would THINK that he moved when he heard the car behind him, right?
You would be wrong.

I wish the Tri State Eric 4 was still open, and his date told a group of brothers to "shut the fuck up!".....and the exits were locked.

Keith Olbermann Sees Things My Way

2010-01-16T09:22:00.008-05:00

You see people, this is the problem I have with religious people sometimes.
The way of Christ, was a way of kindness. Christ was supposed to be an individual who ALWAYS showed kindness, even to those whom the rest of society felt didn't deserve it.

Main Entry: Chris·tian·i·ty

Pronunciation: \ˌkris-chē-ˈa-nə-tē, ˌkrish-, -ˈcha-nə-, ˌkris-tē-ˈa-\

Function: noun

Date: 14th century

1 : the religion derived from Jesus Christ, based on the Bible as sacred scripture, and professed by Eastern, Roman Catholic, and Protestant bodies
2 : conformity to the Christian religion
3 : the practice of Christianity

NOW, if Christianity is a religion based on the ways of Jesus Christ, and YOU are gonna claim that this is what you subscribe to, why would have EVER talk down to someone, or about a certain people?

And THAT is my problem with so called "Christians" a lot of times.
Rather than truly adhering to the ways and teachings of Christ, they tend to use Christianity as a medium for them to feel superior to other people, and to say things to even FURTHER destroy someone's spirit.

Is that what Christ would have done?

Do you see what I mean?
For instance....regardless of what the bible does, or doesn't say about homosexuals, I don't remember any stories about Christ protesting someone's funeral with a "GOD HATES FAGS!" sign. In a truly Christ world, he would have shown a homosexual kindness and compassion until he eventually saw the error of his ways and stopped listening to the soundtrack to "Wicked" all day.

Now, in the real world, we have evolved enough intellectually to know that homosexuality is not a choice, right?
If you haven't, I would ask that you drive your car head on into a wall.
Having you around is REALLY fucking up the flow of things.
It's nothing personal.

This is where you notice that me and Christ don't always see eye to eye....but I TELL you that upfront, unlike ole' Pat.

And as for Rush....."light skinned and black skinned"?
You know, the last time I heard someone dividing the black community based on the shade of their skin, one group ended up being called the "Hutu", and the other the "Tutsi".
But something tells me you didn't have much of a problem with the way that one turned out.

Oh, and one final note on all this hocus pocus.....
Last I heard, according to the story that is, when one makes a pact with the devil, that deal is honored for the remainder of your time here on Earth, right?
You THEN pay IN FULL, when you die....your soul now belongs to Satan for all of eternity.
So, how would Pat be correct in stating that the reason terrible things are happening to Haiti, is because they made a pact with the Devil?
In FACT, Haiti would be incredibly prosperous and dripping wealth and riches if such a pact were made.
One would have a better case arguing that America had a pact with the Devil than Haiti, no?
I mean, Satan would be a pretty SHIT salesman if he his pitch was "Make a pact with me TODAY, and I'll throw in an extra plague at NO additonal charge!!!"
I would think to myself...."Huh?....I don't think I want THAT!" and then put my Soul Debit card back in my wallet.
I wouldn't care HOW drunk I was after the bar, that late night infomercial just would NOT be as appealing as the "Ab Glider".

Pat Robertson Is A Douche Part 3,129

2010-01-13T18:22:00.012-05:00

Really, Dude?
It's 2010.

Ok, I know my religious friends are gonna want to kill me for this, but am I the only one who feels that "swearing pacts with the devil" is the equivalent to "casting a shield enchantment"?
This is like some shit you hear in a movie or something, when a guy is telling a story about a town and starts off with "Legend has it, that the town is cursed".

You know what else I love about shit like this?
When bad shit happens to a "people" that guy's like this, don't like....God is exacting vengeance on them.
BUT, when bad shit happens to people who are essentially good and kind people....."it's part of God's plan."
SO, either way....all bases are covered.

Oh, and Pat, just because when YOU vacation in the Dominican Republic, it's all very pleasant for you because you can eat as much as you want, and drinks flow like water, it's not exactly the same for the Dominican people who work there. Maybe you didn't notice the buses that bring them in to the resort, that are completely overfilled...which came in from the roads that have soldiers on every corner with M-16s? Or maybe you didn't notice that the same people whom you see working at 6am at the Breakfast pavilion, are the same people you see closing up the restaurants at 11pm?
Yeah, it's REAL great to live in the Dominican Republic, Pat....tell that to Francisco who almost fucking cried when I gave him a $5 tip while I was in Punta Cana, you myopic sack of dick.

NOT TO MENTION....Pat prefaces the fairy tale story with telling us that Haiti was "under the heal of the French....of Napoleon". In case you weren't aware....Napoleon was not a very nice guy....in fact, he's often refered to as one of three AntiChrist type figures in history.
SO...follow along now.....The French were so fucked up to the Haitians....THAT THEY MADE A PACT WITH FUCKING SATAN TO HELP THEM!!!!

Where was God during all this suffering?
I mean, I'm assuming they asked him first, right? Probably....A....LOT.
Oh, that's right...it was part of his "plan". His plan was apparently to ignore their suffering until they became so desperate, that they would form a pact with Satan......and then he could decimate them with an earthquake in 2010.

Sounds awesome to me.
Where do I sign up?

Dead Sea Secrets Gypsies At The Mall

2010-01-12T23:31:00.007-05:00

Hey you Gypsy douches.....can I just walk past your cart without all the bullshit?
Would that be possible?
I mean, can you just let me enjoy my coffee while looking for a new shirt, without trying to squirt fucking lotion from The Dead Sea on me?
That would REALLY be fuckin' solid of you.

I DO enjoy the women you hire though. They're all really hot, but I still don't want them squirting stuff on me either.
Which reminds me....did you ever watch the toolsheds who stop and let them go through the routine? They're the same type of guys I described when I told you who's REALLY buying VULVA Original.
I'd love to hear the internal dialogue when they are approached by the Gypsy Squirt Peddlers....

"All these other guys are being so mean to her...they just walk by all rudely and shit! I'll talk to her, and even buy some Dead Sea Juice....THEN she'll see what a nice guy I am, and I'll be able to bottle my OWN Vulva Original...straight from the tap, daddy-o!!!"

No dummy, you will just be out of the cash in your pocket, and you'll STILL be playing World Of Warcraft tonight. You know why? Because you have ZERO game.
That guy that laughed and walked past her.....he went back later, and took her out for drinks.
Right now, she's telling him how she suckers guys like you....and he's laughing as he pushes her head downward without even asking her if it's ok.

But look on the bright side....you have a new bottle of "lotion" for your "private time".

Eh...whatever.

Point is....LEAVE ME BE, MALL GYPSY JUICE SQUIRTERS!!!
The only reason I don't do something terrible to you motherfucks, is because I saw "Drag Me To Hell" and I know from that, that gypsies have black magic and shit.

George H.W. Bush Was Hungry For Some Pizza....

2010-01-11T15:26:00.001-05:00

He must have been trying to use an expired coupon.

Think You've Seen It All?

2010-01-11T01:10:00.004-05:00

There's a point as a man, where you have to just call it a day.
Do you know what I mean?
There's a defining moment in time, where you just have to take stock of where you are, and what you're doing, and just say "Fuck.....I think it's just time for me to pull the plug on my shit...I'm a COMPLETE assclown...HOW THE FUCK DID I GET HERE???"

When you follow the link I'm about to give you, you are going to see a commercial for a product called "VULVA Original".
I can't do the product justice in description, so I'll just copy their pitch.

"The vaginal scent of a beautiful woman. VULVA Original is NOT a perfume. It is the feminine, erotic, intimate scent for your own smelling pleasure."

Ok, seriously....dudes....can you just chill the fuck out at this point??
Is it REALLY that hard for you to get laid?
REALLY?!?!?
I mean, it's becoming incredibly embarrassing to be a man.
How are women NOT supposed to think men are the creepiest fuckers going?

Let me give you a bit of advice...maybe we can get this shit back on point.
If you are pulling out the credit card to order this shit, your game is FUCKED.
You are NEVER gonna get a real woman, and rightfully so.

Oh, and as a side note...how funny is the intro commercial to this site?
The guy is a fuckin' model, and he's all creepin' and smelling her bike seat.
Yeah, let me help you out...THAT GUY, he ain't the type that's ordering VULVA Original.
Why?
Because as I type this, he's TEARIN' some broad up, hardstyle.
Either that, or his boyfriend is blowing the BALLS off of him....but you get my point.

In actuality, VULVA Original's customer base is about 265 lbs, wearing a "Green Lantern" shirt with Buffalo Wing sauce stains on it, and is called "MortrogothTheDarkOne" on World Of Warcraft.

So dudes, instead of spending your money on VULVA Original, how 'bout use that cash to buy some salads and a gym membership?
I'm only saying this because I'm a friend, but you're a FUCKNUT.
Seriously.
Everyone is laughing at you, and despite what you tell yourself, a woman wouldn't really love you if she just got to know the "real you", because the "real you" is a creepy, fuckin' sack of douche.

VULVA Original Site <----Click Me

Bad Travolta / Good Travolta

2010-01-11T00:35:00.006-05:00

Ok, I know it's his daughter, and we ALL love our daughters.
But...um...was this really necessary?

Oh what I would give for the good old days of Tony Manero!
Saturday Night Fever was an awesome coming of age film in my opinion. Maybe not by standard definitions, but it was still a moment where an individual realizes that they had to put their silly ways behind them.

Look at this shit!!!

That's bad ass!!!

Speaking of Tony Manero....there's apparently a Chilean film called "Tony Manero" in which a serial killer is obsessed with Travolta's character from the film.
I would KILL for an American version of that.

Eh...time is a prick.

The People's Choice Awards (Or) America Should Be Killed.

2010-01-10T11:36:00.004-05:00

You know what?
Enough already, America.

So I'm talking to a friend the other day, and he asks "Did you watch The People's Choice Awards?"
I say "Why no, dude....I did not."
He says "Yeah, I'm done with them, in fact, I'm done with America."
I ask "Why are you done with America, dude?"
He responds "The "people" decided that "The Proposal" was "Comedy Of The Year" over "The Hangover"."

Ok, PAUSE!

Are you people full blown fucking morons at this point?

Look, I can take your little Twilight bullshit...I can! I don't agree with it, but I get that women of all ages, and men of all...well....other men, get all giddy like a schoolgirl with a crush, whenever Edward tells Bella that he wants to die...um...again, if he can't be with her.
I get it.

And I get your shitty taste in music too. I get that you like shit like Lady Gaga because you have no ability to see beyond the moment. You get all caught up in shit like a fuckin' dunderhead. In fact, I'll bet some of you reading this have even said to a fellow girlfriend "He can't read MY Poker Face", to which the other responded "ROFLMAOPQRST!!! You GO girl!!!"
And I get that you like to dance to shit, ergo, "Boom Boom Pow" makes sense in your world.
Having it on your iPod somehow isn't embarrassing for you.

Let me break this down....."The Hangover", was hands down, the most hysterical comedy to come along in YEARS.
I'm gonna be SO arrogant about this, that I'm gonna state that as a fact even though I have no data to support it.
BUT, I will challenge you to name something else that was even close in a laugh per minute ratio.
And it CERTAINLY wasn't "The FUCKING Proposal"!!!!

Hmm...."The Fucking Proposal"....I wonder if I can get that greenlit?

Quite frankly, "The Proposal" was your average romantic comedy...nothing really even standout about it.
Here's the formula:
Guy works for woman.
Woman is a bitch.
Woman needs guy to pretend they're engaged.
Guy and woman start to REALLY fall for each other.
They end up in love.

DUH! Never seen THAT before, right?

"The Hangover" on the other hand, was edgy, filled with brilliant characters, and a fairly original plot.
Zack Galifanakis alone was funnier than the entire cast of "The Proposal".

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?!?!?
We truly live in a Jerry Springer nation now.
You do realize that, right?

Let me close by breaking it down to you like this....
"The Proposal" is a movie you take a date to, and you expect her to like it.
"The Hangover" is a movie you take a date to, and if she DOESN'T LOVE it, you know she's not the one for you.

Walruses Are Creeps!

2010-01-07T17:19:00.003-05:00

....but apparently never need to leave the house!
I wonder if he "keeps the change"?

By the way, you know what else is weird, Mr. Camera man?....being a grown ass man talking to your woman, and saying "S'n his own D.".

The F'N Hilarious Google Phone Spoof!

2010-01-06T16:31:00.004-05:00

I guess this is supposed to be in reference to Google's new Android 2.1 based "Nexus One" phone that is coming to carriers soon.

This is a brilliant spoof, and if you don't think so, you aren't allowed to come here anymore.

NSFW Language.

Pay Attention, Kiddies! Look What Mommy And Daddy Are Busy With!

2010-01-06T13:34:00.006-05:00

"Have it your way, at Burger King"
"Have a Coke and a smile"
"Life is short. Have An Affair"

Three great American advertising slogans, no?

Seriously, America....has it come to this?
I watch you bellyache about divorce rates. I watch you bellyache about what effect it will have on our children. I see you crying about AIDS and other STDs. I hear your cries for people to be kinder to each other, and how no one has any honor anymore. I see you crying about how no one honors religion anymore. The last part, we all know I personally don't subscribe to, but it's still a very legitimate point for a lot of people.

Then I watch Ashley Madison become a monster website, with national advertising.
Hopefully the God Gangstas aren't registered members, but if Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggart are any indicators....

For those who are unaware, Ashley Madison is a site specifically designed for married people, and people in committed relationships, to have affairs.

Look, I know it's a free country, but is this level of disregard for the institution of marriage really necessary?
Am I the only one who finds this completely outlandish?

Hmm...let me try something here....

"It's high noon and your husband is still at work. Have you fucked a stranger yet?"

I think I'll apply for an ad executive position at Ashley Madison!!

I've never cheated on anyone in my life, but if you are going to have an affair, should it be like this?
What I mean is, if you are going to completely betray the person who kissed you goodbye this morning, and wished you a great day, shouldn't be it with someone who means something to you? You know, someone who you've built some level of a personal relationship with, so that when you end up tearin' that shit up after the office Christmas party, you can say "No one meant for it to happen...it just....happened?

By the way, am I the only one who LOVES those animalistic moments that no one planned on?
Just in a general sense, mind you...like I said, I don't cheat.

Eh...anyway.

My point is, if you go and register at Ashley Madison, it's like premeditated murder versus a heat of the moment killing, you know?
You are now SO F'N diabolical, and such a sack of dick, that you actually planned out fucking over someone who thinks you love them, for a total stranger named some cornball shit like "69Girlxxx".

Does that really sit right with you?

Wait...now that I look at that screen name, that does seem kinda hot.
I wonder if I have to use my credit card to register?

Options

2010-01-06T00:58:00.004-05:00

Feel bad for the Yo Boy that has to sit next to her?

Now, I would first suggest that he punch her teeth out...but it appears someone already tried that.
SO, clearly the loss of teeth will not stop the beast.

The next logical step would be to twist her head around until the neck sounds like you cracked your knuckles. But something tells me the she could somehow go on even if the head were removed. Not to mention, she seems to be channeling energy from a higher power.

I'm really at a loss here.
Let's just hope that the plane was an international flight, and she had a one way ticket.

The Lovely Bones

2010-01-05T16:33:00.010-05:00

"My name is Salmon...like the fish! First name, Susie. I was fourteen years old when I was murdered on December 6, 1973."

Did you ever have a movie leave you feeling utterly depressed and that all hope is gone?
Well that's what Peter Jackson's "The Lovely Bones" did to me, and I have enough things harshing my mellow.

"The Lovely Bones" is based on the 2002 Alice Sebold novel, which tells the story of Susie Salmon, a 14 year old girl who is raped and murdered by her neighbor. Susie is then stuck in the "in-between", a place that's not quite Earth, but not quite Heaven. From the in-between, Susie watches as her family tries to continue on with their lives, after she's lost.

Now, I've seen a lot of these types of movies, going all the way back to the 1983 made for tv movie "Adam", about Adam Walsh's kidnapping and murder, and John Walsh's subsequent rise as an abducted child activist.
But no matter how many I see, they still bother the shit out of me.

There's something quite special in a very disturbing way, about a man who decides to rape and murder a child.
Something about the moment when they choose a specific victim, and KNOW that they are going to end that child's life, that I never get desensitized to, even when it's a fictional tale.

I don't mean to imply that "The Lovely Bones" was a bad film, because it wasn't.
I felt that it was incredibly well done, and the performances, especially Stanley Tucci as the murderer, were great. I think I just didn't like the subject matter.
As a father of a daughter, I think I was more disturbed by this than usual.

Mark Walhberg plays Susie's father, who has an incredibly hard time letting go of Susie, and moving on with his life. From the in-between, Susie finally realizes her father would never move on, even though she wanted him to.

"I knew then, he would never give me up. He would never count me as one of the dead. I was his daughter, and he was my dad....and he had love me....as much as he could."

Exactly.

It was moments like that, that forced me to think of how things would be for me, if God forbid I were ever in Mr. Salmon's position.
And THAT, is what really depressed me about this movie.
It made me realize that even if one got their hands on the person who killed their child, and could exact any revenge they deemed necessary on them, it would never equal the pain and devastation that their loss levied against them.

If you don't get bothered by such things, then I recommend seeing "The Lovely Bones".
It's a well acted, stylish (albeit a little over the top with the "in-between" visuals) film, that makes you think about how precious life is, and how you never know when the last time you will see someone will be.

NOW....

Here's what I LOVED about "The Lovely Bones"!
I grew up in Chester, PA....and as a child, I was taken to The MacDade Mall quite a bit.
Sadly, the mall is a barren ghost town now, with a Kmart as a remaining anchor store, and last time I was there, (shortly before shooting began on the film) there were just a couple spaces that were occupied by stores.

BUT, Peter Jackson's crew restored the mall to it's 1970's glory for the filming, and although it's just facades, it *felt* like the mall I remembered as a child. Not in some washed out old photos, but in full color high resolution glory.

The screengrabs I found however, are not.
But if you're from Delco, and you spent your childhood at that mall, you HAVE to love this.....

"Oh Michael, I LOVE your music....now that you're dead."

2010-01-04T08:36:00.010-05:00

So......everyone is going apeshit over this fragment of a song that Michael Jackson apparently recorded with Lenny Kravitz, before he died. I don't know if "DJ Tucky" was supposed to be in it, or it got added later.

Couple things.
First, you people are fucking ridiculous.
If Michael Jackson was still alive, NO ONE would give a squirt of piss about this audio mediocrity.
Well, maybe people in Mexico, and a few of the weird countries in Europe....you know the ones.
Oh, and Japan...those bastards LOVE shit like Michael....and selling schoolgirl's used panties in vending machines.
See, there IS a parallel here.

But besides that, people would ignore this the same way they ignored everything else he did after he was accused of showing young boys his magic trouser weasel.
And why?
Because it sounds EXACTLY like everything else he did that was ignored for the last 15 plus years. There was no rebirth, no magic moment, like I see people gushing over.

Anyway, this song is dick...see for your self.
I hate me some people today.

Saying Goodbye To A Shit Decade...For The Most Part.

2009-12-30T19:29:00.011-05:00

When I look back over the last ten years, I can't help but think what an absolutely miserable decade it was for the most part. It wasn't just terrible for me personally, but it was basically miserable for us all as a nation.

I think history will remember the early 2000's as "The Decade Of Panic".
We rang in 2000 panicking about the dreaded "Y2K" bug. Remember when we were all going to die because computers would stop understanding clocks?
We all waited breathlessly...."WHAT WILL HAPPEN WHEN THE CLOCK STRIKES MIDNIGHT?!?!?"
Turned out....a whole lotta nuthin' is what happened.

Then during the month of August in the Summer of 2001, we were all going to be eaten by sharks.
Remember that?
The whole nation was in a panic because the news constantly told us how sharks were strangely attacking in record numbers at our beaches.
Hell, I think people in the Mid-West were even looking over the shoulders for sharks, and those motherfuckers don't even have an ocean!

A month later, I would have given anything to have only to had sharks to worry about.

From now, until the day they put me in my grave, I will never forget September 11, 2001.

You wanna know the funny/sad thing about that?
September 11 is my Mother's birthday. Strangely, years before 2001, I was able to forget that day from time to time.....making the "Happy Birthday" call at the end of the day, because my work schedule always had me thinking of other things.
But not now.
Not ever again.
And for me...this decade made Layla take on a whole new meaning.

The names Osama Bin Laden and Al Qaeda became part of our lexicon.

In the years that followed that terrible day, we were CONSTANTLY reminded that the "tersts" (Pres. Bush's pronunciation for "terrorists" not mine) were always plotting to kill us.
We were taught that the colors that we once had to learn in kindergarten, now indicated different levels of our impending doom.
We bought plastic and duct tape to protect us from an impending chemical attack, although all scientific indicators told us they would be absolutely useless if such an attack were ever to actually occur.

We went to war.
And we stayed there.
And we have no idea when we will ever leave.
And somehow, that's become a suitable answer.

We saw Daniel Pearl get beheaded.
We also saw Nick Berg get beheaded, reportedly at the hands of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.
And we saw Nick's father Michael, call for calm, peace, and forgiveness....something I didn't understand at the time.

Madrid.
London.
Bali.
Mumbai.

Kabul.
Baghdad.
Fallujah.
Tehran.

And our terror alert levels...you know, those colors we talked about, went up and down all the time...JUST to make sure we didn't forget we were about to die.

But Al Qaeda wasn't enough.
We were also under attack from birds, cows, and pigs.
Mad Cow was gonna kill us if we ate steak....but bullocks to them, I LOVE me a filet from Sullivan's!!!
The Swine Flu is probably killing you as you read this...whether you know it or not.
But more importantly, even if you do survive the cow and the pig, The Bird flu is currently mutating to one day cause a pandemic.
Pandemic is a word that become a household item during this decade too.

Oh, did I mention the ice caps are melting?
What about the Mayans saying that we're all fucked in 2012?
YOU ARE GOING TO DIE!!!
Maybe even right now.
If not now...REALLY soon.

It doesn't matter really, because this last decade probably has you broke anyway.
Maybe you've lost your job....or worse, your home....or your business.
Hopefully, nothing really changed for you.....I can't say the same.

In this decade, I watched almost everyone I knew that was married, get divorced....myself included. Through that, and a following relationship, I witnessed how awful and pathetic people can be.

I also learned a few things about how inept AND corrupt police departments can be.
That's something else that will stay with me.
If you disagree with me, it's because you've never been on the receiving end of their bullshit.
Trust me, I used to think like you....ask the "bleeding heart liberals" I used to fight tooth and nail with.

I watched my business, which once kept me busy year round, struggle to maintain any sort of full schedule at all. I've listened to my blue collar brothers echo the same sentiments that I express, and I see the look in their eyes. It's a look of bewilderment and sadness. They're confused...not able to understand what happened.
There's something about men like that...like me....we always took pride in the hard work we did, and we were always ready for more....it's what we did. Talking about our schedules was almost like veterans showing off battle scars.
But now it was gone...and we couldn't go to work anymore.
What do you do, when all you've known for 20 years goes away?

But for us....it's still there...sort of.
There's still a heartbeat, albeit faint.
Many others weren't so fortunate. Factories...companies...simply closed their doors forever.
For some, a lifetime of loyalty was wiped away in the blink of an eye.

But in the tail end of all that mess, I also reconnected with a lot of great people through the magic of Facebook.
I was again goofing with the girl who used to sit with me in art class, and the guy who stole my thunder there! (You WILL pay one day, Cobb!!)
The girl I annoyed the hell out of with my romantic advances during my Southern Comfort haze in the early 90's, was willing to speak to me again, and now I saw her be an amazing mother to her daughter in her life today.
I again had laughs with the crazy curly haired bastard that jumped out of the 2nd floor window in high school, and who now is bringing the Lotus Technique to the masses.
Then...the girl who despite Darren's claims, I never had sex with in my Grand Prix...BUT, she did steal my Queensryche disc for a year or so.
Hell, I even reconnected with someone I hadn't seen since I was around 7, and we were both able to have a laugh or two about this cat Walter that we knew back then.

All of those people mean a lot to me. I believe that everyone you ever spent time with, is a part of your fabric...that they in whatever way, comprise who you are as a human being.
So I'm happy that I get to see them again...who they are....what they do...and their children.

And I met new people....and have had some GREAT times with them all...even that creepy fucker, Dan, and that Haus Frau, Stephanie.
HA!

I became friends with Reverend Bob Levy from the Howard Stern Show during this decade, through him, met Artie Lange (On the night of the now infamous Delaware show), High Pitch Eric, Beetlejuice, Joey Boots, Jim Florentine, Twitchels, Shuli, Sal Governale, Richard Christie, Dan The Song Parody Man, Fred The Elephant Boy, Kenneth Keith Kallenbach, Ms. Amputee, Angry Black (Shelly is cool as shit, I don't care WHAT you fucks say), Jim Norton, and The Blue Meanie from E.C. FUCKIN' W.!
Oh, and superstar Chris McDevitt.

I have had some of the biggest laughs of my life during these times, and the days of Bob's website.

I also found myself in a new relationship during the later part of this year.
And for the first time in a really long time, maybe ever, I think I know what it means to have someone that is completely selfless. Someone who considers other people, as much as they consider them self....and sometimes even more so. No games...No lies....no shady bullshit....just simplicity and kindness, and it couldn't have come at a better time in my life.

Through it all....I'm a VERY lucky guy.

But that said, there was a lot in this decade that I can't wait to wash away....events, things, and people that I hope to soon forget.
At the same time, I hope those people have learned lessons through all of this....and I hope they improve. I hope they learn what's truly important in life, and grow up...for lack of a better term.
Because every time you focus energy on evil and negativity....you lose.
Period.

In closing, it just seems that people have felt an incredible amount of stress and pain in this last decade....let tomorrow night be the end of that.

Let's start it all over...correctly...in 2010.

The Princess And The Frog

2009-12-30T11:50:00.007-05:00

I grew up LOVING Disney Animation.

In fact, before I decided to just be a failure who never realized his dreams, I always wanted to work for the Disney Animation Department.

There was just something about that particular company that appealed to me. Their films always conjured up happy imagery to me, and even now when I watch one of the old films, the nostalgic wave is amazing. It just reminds me of a happier time or something, and I assume that it does that same for everyone else.

And THAT, is why I always wanted to be part of their magic.

The company faltered during the 1980's with a slew of less than stellar stories like "Oliver And Company" and "The Black Cauldron", but then enjoyed a rebirth with 1991's "The Little Mermaid".

After their 1991 success, the train kept rolling with hits like "Beauty And The Beast", "The Lion King" and "Aladdin".

But, once again Disney began to falter. Terrible theatrical releases like "Atlantis", "Treasure Planet", and "Home On The Range", and straight to video sequels to their biggest hits severely tarnished their legacy.

"Cinderella 3: Godmother With A Vengeance" anyone?

Ok, I exaggerated the title a bit, but with the rape that was taking place, it might as well have been named that. Besides, at least THAT would have at least been interesting.

All of these decisions were made under the watch of Michael Eisner, including eventually CLOSING the Disney Animation Department.

Brilliant, no?

I mean, I guess I should mention that there was also a strong belief that traditional hand drawn animation was no longer desired by the masses after the releases of things like the Pixar films and Shrek......BUT, under Eisner's watch, the Disney/Pixar deal also collapsed, leaving Disney completely tossing around in the wind.

Fast forward to today.

The Disney/Pixar deal is back in place, and the Disney Animation Department is up and running again, AND they have released a brand new 2D animated feature film "The Princess And The Frog".

I am very happy to say, that Disney Animation is back!

This film was everything you remember about the good ole' days of Disney Animation...interesting characters...interesting plot....solid music, and brilliant animation.

The backdrop was Jazz Era New Orleans and everything that comes with it.

Cajun food, Cajun people, and a dark Voodoo priest set the tone, as Tiana tried to fullfill her hard working Father's dream of her one day owning her own restaurant, in a time when black people were not afforded such opportunities in America.

Everything is derailed after she tries to help a prince who has been turned into a frog by the Voodoo priest "Shadow Man". Tiana herself becomes a frog, and the two begin a journey, with the help of a trumpet playing alligator and a creole firefly, to Mama Odie's house in the bayou, in hopes that she will be able to help them.

I highly recommend this to anyone with children, or to jabronies like me who grew up on this stuff. It was awesome to see Disney back doing what they do best, and who knows if we'll see this happen again.

God Bless The Iranian Resistance!

2009-12-29T10:27:00.005-05:00

This is raw video of the Iranian Resistance saving two men who were being hanged for protesting.
It's hard to imagine the feeling of elation that the two who were to be executed must have felt when they realized they were being saved.
To be standing on the back of the truck, knowing that as soon as they pulled away, your life would end...and then being saved by your brothers in arms, so to speak.

But more importantly, this short video shows two diametrically opposed types of human beings.
On one hand, you have the individuals who are willing to callously end the lives of two people for simply expressing their points of view about a government that is clearly willing to commit acts of murder in broad daylight, to maintain it's position of power.

On the other, you have a group of people so concerned for the lives of two people, that they would risk their own lives in order to save them.

Unfortunately, here in America, a lot of people will view this video and think, "Eh, they're all animals over there.", or worse yet, lose interest once the hanging is interrupted.

But I think the video captures how amazing people can be sometimes.

Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab's Red Line.

2009-12-27T11:46:00.013-05:00

I want to start new law....
If your name looks like an alphabetical traffic accident, you MUST be heavily screened at the airport.
How's that sound?
No?
Why?

Let's take a look then...

Marwan Al-Shehhi
Fayez Ahmed
Mohald Alshehri
Hamza Alghamdi
Ahmed Alghamdi
Waleed M Alshehri
Wail Alshehri
Mohamed Atta
Abdulaziz Alomari
Satam Al Suqami
Khalid Al-Midhar
Majed Moqed
Nawaq Alhamzi
Salem Alhamzi
Hani Hanjour
Ahmed Alhaznawi
Ahmed Alnami
Ziad Jarrahi
Saeed Alghamdi
Abdelbaset Ali Mohmed al-Megrahi
Al Amin Khalifa Fhimah.

BETTER YET, (and this is something I just learned compiling this list)...
If your name appears with a red underline as a result of a spell check program, you need to be HEAVILY screened.
Put me in charge of Homeland Security!!!!
In five minutes, I have found a more effective form of passenger screening than what is currently in place.

Doubt me?
Well put this in your bong and smoke it....all of the names above would have been red flagged under my "Red Line? You're Fucked" policy, AND thus would have prevented the most recent incident with Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, ALL of the September 11, 2001 terror attacks, AND the bombing of Pan Am Flight 103.

And here's another added bonus for you spineless, politically correct, bitchsissies.....it's not "Profiling" it's "Spellfiling", and there is NO WAY to argue with Spellfiling. It's not the person picking and choosing, it's the Spell Check program that's the bad guy!

SEE?

This leaves you able to feel good about yourself while you drive your Prius and listen to the latest Jason Mraz disc, as your triple shot soy latte spills onto your cockandballs.
But don't worry, your boyfriend will kiss it and make it better later tonight while you watch your DVR'd episode of "Glee".

See for me, it's not a problem, but I'm not like you. If I were running Homeland Security, my policies would be so insane, that motherfuckers would think The Fourth Reich had begun...and yup, I did just say that.
OH GAWD, THE HORROR!!

You know what's funny about some of you?
You find more awfulness in that statement, than you do at the idea of Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab trying to detonate shit on his flight.

See, I wouldn't be hearing about what's fair and what's right. I'm trying to make sure you get your little angels on "It's A Small World", not "Mr. Abdulamakademijerhammud's Wild (And Final) Ride".
Me and you are tight like that, America!

So as soon as anyone started complaining how it wasn't fair, I would point to this sign...

And JUST as they got to the word "getting"....**ZAP**POW**!!!!
See how I would get down with this shit??
You don't have to say it out loud, but I know it makes you all warm and fuzzy inside....like when Ross and Rachel finally got back together.
(I still can't believe you fuckers watched that shit.)

Now the rest of you may think I'm sounding a little crazy, but here's the best part about Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab....he was on a U.S. Government watch list of people suspected with terrorist ties, AND his own father had placed calls saying he believed his son was going to attempt something soon.
Isn't that spectacular? (When you read that question, do it in Paul Lynde's voice)

SO, even though he was already HIGHLY "suspect", he STILL was able to not only get on a plane, but do so WITH explosives.
How's that upcoming flight to Paris treating you right now?

When will people start realizing that I should run this shit.....and start sending me your money?

The "Red Line? You're Fucked!" Facebook Group!

Brittany Murphy Dead At 32

2009-12-20T15:02:00.003-05:00

Cardiac Arrest.
Age 32.
You do the math.

Maybe I'm being a complete cynical asshole before we know the facts, but I think we've seen this too many times before, to not know where the smart money is.
I'll refrain from any further comments, but as someone who has been drug free all of their life, I'll NEVER understand people who piss their lives away for that shit.

Maybe I'll have to apologize for my comments when the autopsy comes back...maybe she'll have had some congenital heart disease that went unnoticed, but I doubt it.

Avatar

2009-12-19T22:35:00.006-05:00

You have no doubt heard about this movie for a long time, right?
You heard that this was going to bring forth a new era in cinema and that film would never be the same after this. After all, it's the film that James Cameron has been working on ever since he rocked the theatrical world with 1997's "Titanic".
"Jack!.....Jack!"
You know what, screw that uppity ass hooker, Rose! She let him freeze to death in that water.
Did you see the size of that door she was floating on??
You mean to tell me that she couldn't have let him get a piece of that?
The whole affair sickens me.

But we're here to talk about Avatar....so let's do that.

Let's get this out of the way right now....Avatar IS everything you've ever heard it would be.
It's a cinematic experience that you have never had before, and it's EASILY that most visually stunning film you have ever seen.
Yup, I AM telling you what you think, because I KNOW that you have never seen anything even remotely close to the visual majesty of this film. Don't even waste anyone's time trying to argue.

What's that?
Yes, wiseass, I WOULD blow this film's visuals if I could.
They DESERVE to be blown....and it deserves for ME to blow it, because I put more effort into things than you do.

But here's the thing about all the praise I've just showered this movie with....if you don't see Avatar in 3D....you didn't see Avatar.
Everything....yes, EVERYTHING, is layered in it's own dimension.
Foreground blades of grass....characters....backgrounds...weapons....subtitles.....
hell, I even think a blue tit had it's own dimension.
The colors are so vivid, and the landscape so rich and lush, that at times you feel as if you're staring out of a window.
And the mapping process that Cameron used on the actors to change them into the blue Na'vi race, gave an all new realism to what you've come to know in traditional CGI characters.
Facial expressions, down the eye emotion, are SPOT ON. You get lost in the world of Pandora, and forget that you're immersed in a completely artificial environment.
It's truly amazing in every sense of the word.

And again, I implore you, see this in the theater...in 3D.
Don't rob yourself of this experience, because I don't see how it will be replicated in the home.

From a storyline standpoint, Avatar is nothing you haven't seen before, and that is where I feel the film fell short. Not that it's a complete ripoff of other films, as certain plot points are very original, but the overall storyline has been done a million times.
Had this had an amazing storyline to compliment the visuals, I believe it would have been the highest grossing film of all time.

But despite all of my minor gripe with the plot, this is an amazing film, and will easily serve as a benchmark for a long time to come.

Go see it, because as captivating as Jersey Shore is, it's not quite in the same league.

About Stories

2009-12-16T15:49:00.002-05:00

I watched the final episode of this season's Dexter, with mixed emotions. For those who watch it, you might know what I mean. For those who don't here's a very quick synopsis of Dexter: The Dexter character is a serial killer, who also moonlights as a CSI type guy -- a blood spatter expert working for Miami Metro Police. His character has been interesting because of the duel roles -- the dichotomy, the yin and the yang...And the story follows as you'd expect, he kills his victims all the while maintaining a family life, and a job, and loose friendships. As I'm writing this, it very well might have some metaphorical relationship to addiction; I'll have to think more on that.

Anyway the character has always been the hero of the show, the protagonist, the good guy because he only killed those, who we all (the audience), deemed deserved to die. He killed other murderers, rapists, and the like. He was our favorite vigilante, doling out the justice that a stint in prison didn't seem to cover well enough.

My real problem happened as Dexter killed an innocent man, earlier in the season. He ritualistically murdered a man whom he thought was a killer, as well. But, much like John McCain, Dexter hadn't properly vetted his candidate. How are we to see Dexter as the hero of the show anymore? How can this show continue with the same vibe as good guy Dexter cleaning up the scum that our justice system doesn't seem to handle properly? He's now just another low life in my eyes, and I don't think I could get past it this season.

And that's the bottom line to my rambling, I guess is that it's all about the character. Dexter was such a strong character in my mind, until they tainted him. Did it take away from his character? Yes. Did this change in the story of Dexter change him in such a way that he could never overcome? Yes. I mean, if Dorothy had knifed the Wizard in the back and jacked his balloon for a ride back to Kansas, you couldn't look at her the same way.

Another great character of this year was Hans Landa of Inglorious Basterds. He was evil, sneaky, conniving, all the while incredibly smart and intuitive. I'd say my favorite story character of the year, at least. Now, I'm so impressed with that character, I ask: what could Tarantino do to ruin that character for me? The only answer I have is for him to step out of character -- and that's what I feel has happened to the Dexter characters. Hans Landa described himself to a "T" in the opening scene of the film as a rat, doing whatever he needs to, to survive -- and he was a slimy rat throughout. With Dexter though, I don't know how to define him anymore. He's lost his goodguyness, he's become his own anti-Christ through his failures, and through his new emotional connections -- that his character used to be incapable of. Dexter was emotionless. Dexter was cold and unfeeling. Dexter was fun. Dexter has run his course.

Dexter And Californication...To Be Continued?

2009-12-16T11:50:00.007-05:00

SPOILERS AHEAD....GO AWAY NOW!!!

First off, YES, I know they'll continue with both shows, but I'm kinda hoping the next year is the last for each.

First let's get to Dexter.
I want to say before anything else, that I LOVED the season finale of Dexter...mostly because I HATED the character of Rita. If you recall back to the first season, Dexter specifically chose Rita as a partner because she was damaged, and didn't require the usual maintenance that you wimmens require.
She was mousy, didn't want sex, didn't ask questions.
All of those things fit the needs of a serial killer who needed to *look* normal to other people.

But then, her character became something that resembled the rest of you, bellyaching, "what have you done for me lately?", menaces, that there is NO WAY a serial killer would continue to deal with. Think about it....her character could evolve...but an emotionally void, killing machine could NOT. If he could, then he would defy the very nature of a serial killer. His unalterable pathology would be...well...altered.
Dexter's uncontrollable internal drive would forbid him from continuing the relationship if it detracted from his killing time.

So, good riddance, Rita.

What was truly spectacular about the ending was Trinity's acceptance of his fate. His instructions and life lessons to Dexter....the way he found absurdity in Dexter's suggestion that they were somehow different, and the haunting visual of him watching the toy train go by, and singing along with "Venus" as Dexter was about to bring the claw end of a framing hammer down into his face.
All while KNOWING what he had done, and what Dexter didn't yet know.
And even the murder of Rita, that fact that you didn't see it happen, brought it home more.
You're left imagining what he said to her as they lay in the bathtub together...if he explained that this was all happening BECAUSE of Dexter, as her life drained into the warm bathwater?

That was brilliant stuff.

BUT, my problem with it all, is that I feel overall the show has run it's course.
I find the repeated premise of the show to be bordering on absurd at this point. I mean, how many serial killers ARE in the Miami area?
Is it like some sort of a magnet for them all?
It just seems silly at this point.

But I'm sure you disagree with me.

Again with Californication....fantastic ending.
The idea that JUST as Hank was going to have the life he seemingly wants so badly, it gets ripped away from him, was awesome.
But the build is what set it off.
Beginning with his daughter's revelation to him during their walk, that she had sex for the first time and wanted to tell him first. His daughter wanted him to know that even through all the crazy things that had happened, he hadn't ruined her, and that somehow she clearly felt more bonded to HIM as a result.

Then, after speaking with Mia and her manager, Hank realized there was no other way but to tell Karen about Mia....the audio of their voices cut out, and Elton John's "Rocket Man" began to play....calling back to last season when they would use My Morning Jacket's cover of "Rocket Man" whenever Hank would do something that would throw a monkey wrench into his life with Karen.

The scene was very powerful, with Karen's eyes welling up with tears, and her eventually physically lashing out at Hank.
BUT, what brought it home was when his daughter saw her father being put into a police car, her attempt to run to him, and her mother holding her back. Her loyalty STILL lying with her father, even though he once again caused the foundation of her life to crumble.

Hank had destroyed everything again, just as he was finally ready to put his demons behind him once and for all.

Now, I LOVE Californication.
It's one of my favorite shows of all time, and the Hank Moody character is the quintessential whiskey swilling, entering a room with swagger, ladies man, that every red blooded American male should thank God has come along in serial television.

BUT....

Where do we go from here?
Do we begin again with Hank buried in the booze and the vagina, and watch him try to rebuild his life?
Is that really gonna cut it again? Seriously, how many times will that storyline suffice?
At what point will WE finally have enough of him being a fuck up, and want to turn him off?

The thing I'm noticing about the Premium Channel original programs, is that they have a short shelf life. Look back at The Sopranos....after Season 3, EVERYTHING was shit.
Oh stop, you know I'm right.
Is it the whole theory about the brightest flames burning out the quickest, that we're seeing here?
Don't get me wrong....I'll watch again....especially Californication.
I can't give up on Hank yet....picture Jake Gyllenhal saying "I just wish I could quit you!" to Heath Ledger in "Brokeback Mountain"....except I don't want to gay Hank Moody....ever.....not even after a few cocktails, or a towel snapping incident that went a little too far.

It's just that I feel like we've already seen everything these shows have to offer, and I'm a huge believer in ending something when it's still good, before you run it into the ground.

Maybe it's just me.

What's Wrong With You, America.

2009-12-15T12:08:00.004-05:00

Every once in a while, a SHINING example of what's wrong with America comes smashing through the rest of the crowd, and sets the bar for illustrating everything that's wrong with people today.

On this outing, I give you "Mother Of The Year 2009"

If you just looked at this picture, and thought "Duh...what's the big deal?"....please blow your fucking brains out as soon as possible.

Friendster Looks To Compete With Facebook By Becoming MySpace?

2009-12-03T12:05:00.005-05:00

I don't know about you, but that looks just like MySpace to me.
And since people have left MySpace in droves for Facebook, I don't know how this helps...BUT, there are probably a bunch of people that are looking for something a little different at this point, and that's what Friendster seems to be banking on.

The HUGE problem that Friendster is facing is that Facebook recently hit 350 Milllion registered global users...is that insane or what?
That's basically saying that the entire population of America is on Facebook. In fact, there are more people playing Farmville on Facebook, than there are registered users on Twitter.
I never really got into Twitter anyway.

The layout looks very similar to Facebook, except that you will be able to have customizable backgrounds....like MySpace.
OH, and if the video is any indication, being Asian is a pre-requisite to signing up.
All other ethnicities can fuck off.

The new Friendster launches tomorrow, but I'm gonna go register Joey Huang now, just in case it does become the next big thing....I'm VERY trendy.

Link to Friendster

Poor Tiger Woods.

2009-12-02T17:48:00.008-05:00

While you all sit waiting for Tiger to confess about his extra-marital activities, *I* have learned what REALLY happened between Tiger and his "wife".
It turns out, Tiger Woods was forced by the Illuminati, into helping Michael Jackson scam millions in insurance money, by faking his own death.
Oh, and he's having a queermosexual affair with him too.
NTTATWWT.

See, YOU have all been fooled by a bottle of peroxide...but not me!
You can't pull the wool over my eyes, Tiger!!

Want proof?
FINE!!!

Tell me that's not Michael Jackson!!!!!
I dare you!!

AND, just look at Tiger's face....

"Why the hell did I get myself involved with this shit?"
"I ain't even attracted to this motherfucker."
"I need to CHEAT!"

So, as you can see, Tiger didn't cheat on his wife, he cheated on Michael Jackson.
And who WOULDN'T cheat on Michael Jackson??

On behalf of all of America, I apologize to you Mr. Woods.

You're Dead, But Your Ass Looks GREAT!

2009-12-01T19:05:00.004-05:00

See that chick up there?
That's Solange Magnano, former Miss Argentina.
She's dead today.

Wanna know why?
Because she wanted her ass to look better, so she went under the knife to have gluteoplasty.
Various online definitions describe a gluteoplasty as a procedure to either lift the buttocks, or to enlarge the posterior by inserting synthetic implants.

THIS, people....THIS is what's wrong with you today.
Are you seriously so caught up in appearance, that you will risk everything to have a nice ass?
Seriously think about this....she is dead now, because of her ass.
How stupid would you feel in the afterlife?
AND, if you believe in God, he SERIOUSLY frowns upon shit like this.
Remember the Seven Deadly Sins?

To quote Al Pacino as Satan in "The Devil's Advocate".....
"Vanity.....that's my favorite sin."

JUST....BE....YOU.
To quote Pastor Gino Jennings..."What's wrong with the way GAWD made ya?!?!?"

Wimmens....just be hot in your own way.
There's some man out there who LOVES the way you look.
It's not me of course, because you simply aren't up to snuff for a man of my distinguished character.

But somewhere out there, there's a guy who pronounces Filet Mignon as "Fill it Mig Non", has on an "I Put Ketchup On My Ketchup" t-shirt, and is eating Cheeze Balls out of the can in his underwear, who would worship the ground you walk on.

Again, it's not me though.

But back to my original point....there are twins who are without a mother today.
Well played, stupid.

Tales Of Absinthe, Gay Karaoke, And A Full Body Massage.

2009-11-30T17:59:00.006-05:00

Man, that just sounds NASTY, doesn't it?
It's not that bad, I swear.

This past weekend...right after Thanksgiving dinner in fact, I went with my girlfriend to spend four days in Bethany Beach, DE.
I was really up for the whole "nothing to do, no where to be" schedule of things, because even when you're home and things are that same way, it doesn't FEEL like it.
You know what I mean?

These four days were the closest a man has ever been to actually being one of the girls on Sex And The City, while being completely heterosexual.
Or at least as far as *I* have ever been.

What?
NO, I am NOT a fruitbooty, wimmens!!!!
Don't believe me?
Bring yourself over here, and see how I handles my bidness!
You ever been duct taped while "Danke Schoen" from Wayne Newton plays in the dark, and all you can see is the spark from when I touch the two cables together that are hooked to the car battery?

Um...
Nevermind.

Anyway, during the course of my excursions around the beach on Friday, I came across a store that was selling Lucid Absinthe. Now, I have always wanted to try Absinthe, aka The Green Fairy, and since the ban on it in America was finally lifted a little while ago, I figured these four days of nothingness were the perfect time to do so.

Now, Absinthe has more of a legendary folklore to it than any other drink I can think of, and the list of people who were known to love the drink doesn't hurt it's lure to an idiot like me either.

Charles Baudelaire, Vincent Van Gogh, Oscar Wilde, Aleister Crowley were all notorious 'bad men' of the late 19th and early 20th Century that loved Absinthe and the drink has been linked to may other bizarrely creative types also.

So, I needed to see what all the fuss was about.....and I got my bottle of Lucid.

That up there....that's how it's done.
You drip ice cold water on to sugar cubes...that falls into the green concoction, and it turns cloudy white.
Here's is what I can tell you about my experience...
You will be completely fucked up in a matter of no time.
Two shots is really all you should need.
I would imagine that if you had more than two servings of The Green Fairy, you would be a complete and utter mess.
Despite the legend of it being a psychoactive drug, I did NOT experience anything of the sort.
I did however, feel it course through my body after the first few sips.
The warm drunk feeling rushes over you almost instantly.
As far as alcohol goes...this is NO entry level shit.

Highly recommended.

Now, what else can one do with oneself on a relaxing weekend?
Get a massage!

I had NEVER been to a professional masseuse in my life, and didn't plan on ever being to one, but my girlfriend decided to surprise me with a reservation to one Saturday morning.
I'm still not sure how I feel about this.
While I really felt great afterward, I felt really strange having some young woman that I never met before rubbing all over me.

How do you guys go to prostitutes???
I mean, I felt weird enough having some woman just rubbing on me...I can't imagine paying her to do crazy shit like THAT. I mean, paying to kill American tourists in German hostels is one thing...they are touching you....but having sex with a strange woman for cash is weird to me.

Oh, don't try to play it off...you look JUST LIKE the type of cat who trolls around for hookers.

After the massage, I went shopping.
This is where the Sex And The City part starts to come in.

I went to the Guess store, because I dress like I should be hanging out somewhere other than Delaware, but I LOOK like I'm from Delaware...lower Delaware....where they "Punkin' Chunk".

Anyway, I was looking at this red button down.
My girlfriend said "That's an awesome looking shirt...I think you would look really good in it."
I said "I don't know...that's a pretty bold statement."
She said "Yeah, but you always wear wacky shit....you should get it."
Then, the salesman came over...he was clearly living an alternative lifestyle and he said...
"The color is Cranberry, and it IS a bold statement, but at the same time, not so bold that it's garish."

"Garish" is not a word that is in my lexicon.
Shall we?

Main Entry: gar·ish

Pronunciation: \ˈger-ish\

Function: adjective

Etymology: origin unknown

Date: 1545

1 : clothed in vivid colors
2 a : excessively or disturbingly vivid b : offensively or distressingly bright : glaring
3 : tastelessly showy : flashy

Ok, I can dig that....he's right now that I think about it.
It isn't garish at all.
So, I bought that and this other black one with crazy shit on the shoulders.
I SOOOO look better than you when I'm out.

Now how else do you finish off a weekend in the Rehoboth Beach, DE area, but at Gay Karaoke.
Actually I don't know if that's how you do it, it's just how the girlfriend decided we would do it, and as I said, I was in a very relaxed, passive mood...so off we went.

We went to "The Purple Parrot", and I had a blast.
Ok, let's get this out of the way...because it cracked me the hell up when we pulled up to the place...
As we were parking, you could hear someone inside performing "It's Raining Men".
I know that sounds COMPLETELY cliche', but I assure you it's true. I laughed like a hyena.
This was not like the normal karaoke I was used to...these people took pride in their performance!!! AND, most of them could really sing...except for this one transvestite name "Amanda Cruise"...as I am told, Amanda is spelled "A Man DUH!" by this individual. Amanda looked just like a blond Howard Stern, had the same deep toned voice to match.
There was also another one there who looked absolutely terrible. His makeup was bad, and his wig had a TERRIBLE hairline, and his skirt was WAY too short, and from time to time, his pantyhose covered ass would be hanging out.
I would think if one is inclined to do that, they would put a little time into their craft.
Shame on him!!!!

In closing, I spent an entire weekend doing things completely out of my norm.
And I had a blast.
You should try it sometime too.

A Small Public Service Announcement

2009-11-23T14:57:00.004-05:00

I've traveled much of the world and much of the country and this I've learned: If your local restaurant has a Philly Cheesesteak on the menu. Don't order it; it sucks. I guess it goes back to the old joke: what do they call chinese food in China? Food. And that's the thing, it's just a cheesesteak. The word "Philly" in front of it is code for 'don't bother, it's dogshit'. That is all.

The Creepiest Song of All Time

2009-11-23T14:23:00.003-05:00

I like to try to play guitar. I regularly strap on my guitar, put my iPod on shuffle and play along whatever song comes up. Now Joe has written before about the dangers of shuffling your iPod; I know and understand this fact all too well. But I like to stay well rounded musically. I keep a lot of crap on my iPod that may very well not be a song that I especially like; I more or less keep it around for variety and fun.

So I'm jamming along rocking out, and I come to Dr. Hook's Sharing the Night. It's light enough, easy chords, I remember most of the words from my childhood. But as I'm listening and playing along...oh yeah, all right...I start to really get skeeved out by this rape song. In my mental image, it starts out with this 70's cat, sitting there at a bar -- with his John Oats mustache and medallion, collared shirt opened showing his hairy chest. He's chatting up this broad with Farrah Fawcett hair and he says: Are you lonely? Yeah me too. Let's share the night -- code words for I have candy, let's fuck. Oh yeah, alright.

Now I have no problem with a one night stand, but that's not even what this song is suggesting. If I come on too strong, I hope that you will understand, cause I'd like to know if your lonely as I am. That's got to be the most desperate line I've ever heard. Now a fella with this little game has got to be a rapist, otherwise he'd never get laid. Continuing on: Oh yeah, all right...Cause I like feeling like I do, and I see in your eyes you're liking it too.. Do I need to say anything more? The next line in the story goes:

Uhm, Your Honor, I swear she liked it. I saw it in her eyes. Well no, she couldn't speak with the gag in her mouth, but I know she liked it too. Oh yeah, alright.

I feel like I need a shower after listening to this song. I'm going back to Brandy, because all the sailors say she's a fine girl. Man, the 70's were creepy.

Precious (2009)

2009-11-23T00:28:00.004-05:00

"Wow.
That was really fucking INSANE."

There.
That was the best way I could encapsulate how I felt after walking out of the theater tonight.
This is the most hardcore life experience film I think I have ever seen.
It was so amazing in fact, I don't even know where to begin.

So let's start with some background. The film was based on the novel "Push" by Sapphire.
Now, you are probably asking "Joe, what the fuck is a Sapphire???"
Well, I'll tell you....
Sapphire was born Ramona Lofton, but took the name Sapphire because of its association at one time in African-American culture with the image of a "belligerent black woman", during her days as a poet. She wrote poetry books, but as it stands, "Push" is her only novel.

See, you learned something.
Seriously...if the comes up around the office, you can spout off now like you're in the know.
You owe me a Jack and Coke.

The plot revolves around Clareece "Precious" Jones....or more importantly, what revolves around her.
No, I don't mean that in a planetary orbit kind of way because she's a large girl, although I must admit, that was pretty badass of me in the most unintentional of ways.
More to the point, I mean that Precious has horrendously terrible things happen to her throughout the course of her life. More than any one girl should ever have to endure.

How terrible you ask?
Well, let's start here....as the film begins, Precious is currently pregnant with her second child...by her Father.
And how does her Mother feel about all this?
Well, she thinks Precious is a whore who stole her man, and is PISSED that he only gave her one child...but gave Precious two. Precious is such a greedy bitch.
But all that doesn't stop ole' Mom from using Precious for her sexual needs too.

Fucked enough for you yet?
If it isn't, I want you to go away from my blog and never come back.
I'm sure Chris Matthews is waiting to spring his trap on you soon anyway, so what say we just go our separate ways now....cool?

Here's the thing that I found stunning about this movie....not only is the story compelling, but the acting is SO on point, that if feels like a documentary at times. It's literally amazing how you can get so lost in the performances.

And Mo'Nique....HOLY....SHIT.
If the final scene ALONE, with her, Mariah Carey and Gabourey Sidibe doesn't win her an Oscar....then the Oscars have NO merit.
THAT, was fucking stunning work.

Now, I'm gonna leave you with the trailer which fails miserably to convey the power of this movie. When you watch it, it will come off as just another "inner city black person attempts to make good" film.
You know what I mean, there are a million of them now...they are designed to make everyone feel good.
But I can't say "Precious" left me feeling good....it left me realizing that for some people, there isn't a happy ending, but they keep forging ahead anyway.
That sure, you may not EVER get a decent break, but you can always *try* to do right by you, and those around you....because if you fail at that, then what and where are you when the smoke clears?

Oh, and on a side note....a special "thank you" to all the Sistas in the theater who made this so much more of an amazing theatrical experience.
Without the shouts of "Oh HELL NO.....no he dint!", and all the "MMMM HMMM"s it just won't be the same watching at home.
That's the kind of stuff that puts a smile on my face about all of us.

As I promised....the trailer....

New Moon (2009)

2009-11-22T00:19:00.008-05:00

I hate "Twilight".
I think Stephanie Meyer is THEE most piss poor writer to ever build a dynasty.

There, that's a good starting point.
And to further illustrate the way I feel, here's my review of "Twilight" from last year:
Twilight Review

Tonight, I was brought to see the second installment of the four part story, "New Moon".
And I didn't entirely dislike it.
Now, I'm not a fan by any stretch of the imagination now, and I do have several gripes with the story, but it was passable from a Twi-Tard hater's perspective.

For starters, "New Moon" showed me EXACTLY what it is that I hate about this story.
Edward Cullen.

Seriously, that character is total shit.
I stated in the "Twilight" review, that I believed him to be a 90210, "Dylan McKay" type of character, and I think I still stand by that. His whispery, angst driven bullshit really ruins the story for me. I mean, I can watch a chick flick....I can buy into an overly sensitive character going after the woman he loves...but this guy is just terrible.

Thankfully, his screen time in this latest edition is minimal.
Instead, this story focuses on Jacob Black's involvement with the Bella Swan character.
Once again, Bella is batting a thousand with the men, because Jacob is a Werewolf.
I hear in the next film, Bella blows Frankenstein's monster behind a Dairy Queen, so that should be pretty interesting.

Now, what I noticed about this story, was that without Edward around, things seemed more alive. And while one COULD suggest that it was cinematic symbolism based upon Edward's character being living dead, I would say that you would be giving this particular film FAR too much credit.
The entire story of Jacob's interaction with Bella, and his coming of age as a Werewolf, wasn't anything groundbreaking, but it was solid enough. It moved well, and with Bella and Jacob, you could feel a decent chemistry. Not to mention, the scenes where Jacob and his wolf pack are hunting the vampire Victoria, added more action alone, than the entire "Twilight" story ever did. And THAT is one of my biggest gripes with this story....if you're gonna make it about vampires and werewolves, give me a little more than some teen angst and a prom!

Far too soon for my liking, however, Edward was back in the film.
And what was he doing?
Plotting to kill himself.

It kinda went like this:

"Bellyache....bellyache....without Bella I don't want to live....bellyache....whine....tormented face....sad face...bellyache....blow a guy in the bushes....bellyache."

Much like a real vampire, he sucks the life blood out of every scene he's in.
So for me, it's clear that he is the Suckberg that sinks the Titanic. (See how I made up a shitty word right there, to tie the romance movie thing together?)

SO, I talked insane amounts of shit on this movie before I ever saw it, but in the end, it wasn't that bad. It was certainly better than "Twilight", but that's not saying much at all.
It's kinda like saying Lethal Weapon 4 was better than 3....neither was good, but there is an order to things.

So, while I wouldn't tell anyone to see this, I will say this...
If you hate this story and you are dreading the idea of having to see this with someone, don't worry so much. The Werewolf stuff is solid....although I wasn't really cool with them walking around shirtless all the time....and well, Edward is still a douche, but you already knew that, right?
Vampires are supposed to suck....and he does....just not the right way.

Who Has An Office In A Men's Room?

2009-11-19T13:12:00.005-05:00

Today I made a throw away comment about Fonzie having his "office" in the men's room at Arnold's, and then I got to thinking....what the FUCK was THAT about???

The only guy I ever saw that had an office in a men's room, was in the Inner Harbor shops in Baltimore. It wasn't because he was really cool, and could make the jukebox play "Shaboom Shaboom" by just tapping it the right way, it was because he was trying to blow me for cash.
Is there really anything more humiliating than waiting in a stinking, fouled up men's room, and offering to blow strange men?
The worst part of that whole scenario, is that the Inner Harbor is a tourist area...SO, there are family men using that restroom, and the human cock receptacle isn't in there because he's NOT making money.

Yeah.....EWWWWWWW!
Exactly.

Our pal Fonzie spent a lot of time in the restroom too.
And what was Fonzie always saying to other guys?

"Sit on it"

In fact, if I recall correctly, it was even written on the bathroom wall, as if to be an instructional message to the other men who can to his "office".
Clearly Fonzie was a "top"...because if you told HIM to sit on it, he got heated.
Arthur was NOT a power bottom.

And then...he always had some secret bond with Carmine "The Big Ragu" Raggusa, right? Because whenever Fonzie had a BIG problem, Carmine would walk over from the Laverne & Shirley set, to the Happy Days set.

And tell me THAT guy wasn't a fruitbooty!!
He would bust through the door, singing:
♪"They'll never go from rags to riches"♪

What the FUCK was that supposed to mean?
LOOKOUT, Mr. Broadway Showtunes is here?
I think the only reason people got scared and ran, was because they thought "If he DOES beat us...he's gonna fuck us in the ass!...I'm not risking that shit...let's get the hell out of here!!!".

Look at this queertastic example:

See?
That was a sissy fight if there ever was one.
CLEARLY, someone stole someone else's boyfriend.

So, in closing....I have lost a childhood hero today, and some of you may have just gained one.
I will leave you with a clip from the final season of Happy Days, where Fonzie clearly has come to terms with who he really was. But notice!....when Arnold explains that he accidentally ran over Fonzie's bike, he immediately assumes the position...KNOWING what his punishment would involve.